Monday, April 18, 2011

THE ROYAL WEDDING!!!!! (and richard armitage)

The countdown has begun... Here are ten things the bride-to-be will no longer be allowed to do once she (you know who we mean I hope) walks down the Green Mile – ahem, aisle – in Westminster: Drum roll please

1. Be referred to as 'Kate'
When Kate Middleton joins the House of Windsor this year, her official title will become ‘Her Royal Highness the Princess William of Wales’. She can be addressed as 'Catherine' or 'Ma'am' (pronounced like 'ham'). But 'Kate' isn't going to cut it anymore by Royal standards. Clarence House officials will probably wine and dine London's Royal correspondents and then ask them to please refer to Kate as 'Catherine' in the future. But we think they will refuse to do this. Something to do with search engine keywords.

2. Vote
Technically, the Queen and other members of her family are allowed to vote, but they do not do so because in practice it would be considered unconstitutional and not in accordance with the need for neutrality. This is in keeping with the Royal Family's public role, which is based on identifying with every section of society, including minorities and special interest groups.

3. Run for political office
For the reasons stated above, this is also a no no.

4. Escape the scrutiny
As arguably Britain's most dysfunctional family, the Monarchy provides the British public with a generous source of voyeuristic entertainment, and an opportunity for heartless slander. Having already been under the media spotlight for the best part of nine years, Kate has copped her fair share of criticism from the media over the most mundane and insignificant of things. [ Related: How William and Kate get the upper hand on the press ] She's a commoner. She's an outrageous social climber. She's not outgoing enough. Her mum is an air hostess who uses the word 'toilet'. The public watchdog will be onto Kate 24/7, so when she slips on that tiara come 29 April she will damn well have to make sure it’s a pretty one. But not too pretty. That would be exhibitionist. This scrutiny will grow existentially and extend to all aspects of her life. Did you know the Middleton family can only trace their roots back to the mid 1500s? So what were they up to in 1413 then? They must be hiding something.

5. Play Monopoly
In 2008, Prince Andrew, Duke of York, said that the Royal Family was not allowed to play Monopoly at home "because it gets too vicious". No member of the family has yet revealed what they play in its place during the Christmas holidays.

6. Say or do anything controversial
This includes accepting large amounts of money from 'businessmen' for access to your husband and getting your toes sucked in public by your financial adviser. You know who you are, Fergs. But it also encompasses Kate's expression of her preferred political position, social position, sexual position – basically anything within the realms of personality. So far she has succeeded seamlessly in this, not putting a foot wrong in any situation. Granted though, the world has only heard her speak once after her and William's engagement and that was a heavily rehearsed affair.

7. Eat shellfish
British Royals are apparently never served shellfish, because of a fear of food poisoning. So if Kate can't live without crustaceans, she will have to seek them out in her own time.

8. Work
It is well known that Royals and careers don't mix well. As proven when Prince Charles' plan to work part time in a factory failed and Countess Sophie Wessex was forced to abandon her PR firm. In Kate's case though, the whole unemployment scenario shouldn't be too difficult to handle. At 29 years of age she is the oldest spinster ever to marry a future king, and though she has a History of Art degree and years of life experience, Kate has spurned work wherever possible. This is unless you count seven months as a casual accessories buyer for clothing chain Jigsaw and a short time working for the family company, Party Pieces. Pinned by some as the unemployed woman marrying into a welfare family, we're reckoning the guys at Buckingham will keep her busy by sending her to lots of boat launches and pancake flipping gigs.

9. Sign anything unofficial
As a potential future counsellor of state if William becomes king, Kate might at some stage have to sign government papers and brings legislation into force in her husband's place. People in this position are strictly not supposed to sign anything that could lead to their signature being copied and forged. Last year Prince Harry was in hot water when he flouted this rule by signing the plaster cast of a girl who had fractured her arm, a media report said. The 17-year-old from Leicestershire was so excited she said her cast would be "going in a glass box", which the Queen might not have been too happy about.

10 Finish her dinner
If she is a slower eater than her grandmother-in-law, Kate could go hungry. In Britain, when the Queen stops eating, you stop as well, fork in hand.


LucyParker said...

I'm one of those folk who felt burned by how Diana was treated, also a bit guilty for having been part of her gawking fandom that fueled the paparazzi chase, so I'm not looking at Kate/Catherine/Kitty as the second coming of Diana. Plus, I think trotting her around in Diana's engagement ring is yucky. I'm sure she'll be a wonderful whatever it is that she's supposed to be, but I'm not giddy to have her face on a hand towel.

Oklahoma is very excited that P-Dub is getting her own show on Food Network, more excitement than a royal wedding. She doesn't even have to leave the ranch to do it, so they must really want her. Every fall Okie Kerry Vincent, the sugar arts FN judge with the headband, has a cake decorating contest at the fair. This is that big. Soon Bobby Flay will be living here. My show will follow - "How to Fudge on your Weight Watcher Points."

I've treadmilled my way into RobinHood Season 3. In addition to RH/Shaggy, we've got Sir Guy looking like Alice Cooper. I'm thinking the makeup artists all grew up in the 70's.

Off to polish my tiara, may use this invite from the queen in spite of my churlish position on royalty.

Karen Wasylowski said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Karen Wasylowski said...

I even made a nice comment comparing her to Mrs. Firth - saying at least Mrs. Firth supports her husband. I was cringing all the time hoping you weren't lurking somewhere. and what's an FN judge. and who is Kerry Vincent. This must all have to do with cooking which one must try to learn when one is older, much much older.

LucyParker said...

I don't cook, I just watch other people do it. Kerry Vincent is usually one of the Food Network judges for the cake decorating competition shows. She always wears a velvet headband and has an English accent. She's from Oklahoma, so who knows about the accent, I haven't bothered to find out why.

RA is Sir Guy. He's baad. And the only good thing about the series. Maid Marion used him unmercifully, so I don't begrudge him his anger. Also, he only has one set of clothes, so the chafing must be hell. Did I tell you I'm bidding on a Sir Guy action figure on eBay. Sure do want that sucker - a good likeness of RA. or Alice Cooper. Don't bid against me.

MM has to stay with his wife. There's some unwritten law that says if you steal your wife from another guy, you have to keep her or you'll look really bad. What is Topix, and why do you have a brigade of lynching girls? Can I join? I will find my son's old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle nunchucks.

Debbie Brown said...

Adorable commentary! For which Karen is known. This one is a very timely topic and humorously handled.

Karen Wasylowski said...

Welcome Debbie. This is Lucy and my personal chat room but your are free to join. I stole this article because I was too lazy to think up something and it was topical. The video I also stole. Did we have your book launch yet?????

LucyP - I don't exactly know what Topix is bu I found it so it's mine. From the gossip on that page old Keeley bargained her family's vacatio pictures for a free trip. I am likeing this gir more and more. Two more pictures of Richard Armitage and I get a porsche.

Now I have to think up another stupid blog.

Karen Wasylowski said...

Forgive the typos - my glasses are off

LucyParker said...

Hi Debbie! So glad you joined us, tho I was shocked when I saw that there were SEVEN (7) comments. Anyone else out there? Speak up lurkers!
(It's never occurred to me that other people are reading our exchanges, Karen. I'm slow that way...)

They were selling trays of faux Diana engagement rings at Michael's craft store tonight. The box said "Prince not included."

Debbie, are you part of the Topix lynch squad? Karen won't tell me where it is. She used Mrs. Firth as an example of a good wife. I don't know about that, as Mrs. F just got back from Africa where she hired cheap labor to make her eco-jewelry. Pot meet kettle.