Monday, October 22, 2012

Sex in the (Regency City) - Episode Two (Lizzy gets dissed by Mr. Big)


(Chuck Bingley has suggested to his friend, Mr. Big, that he might want to dance with the 'smart' Bennet sister - Mr. Big might, not Chuck.  Chuck is already salivating after the pretty sister.)

Mr. Big
Me?  Dance with that?  I'd rather eat dog mange than dance with that...that...person.  She possesses absolutely no attractive aspect in my eyes, Bingley - no grace, no proper attire, no acceptable coif nor cap nor even turban with a smart feather...she also has no feet as far as I can see since her gown is so drab that my gaze refuses to linger for the usual rakish up and down perusal.  The gall!  I think she just stuck her tongue out at me - she could be rabid.  Where's my pistol when I need it...?

Chuck Bingley
I'm certain it was nothing personal, Big; probably gas...please calm yourself.  Here allow me to lick your boots again, and please try to keep your voice down - I believe she may have heard that last comment of yours and that may interfere with my deflowering her sister  later in the story.  She's not that bad looking is she?  Not in a dark light - or better yet no light...

Mr. Big
Nonsense.  I'm going to dance only with your sister Caroline.  At least I am half way assured I won't need a series of shots later  Ah, here she is...

Mr. Big
I'm going to be requiring a good deal of alchohol tonight, Bingley.


Mrs. Bennet
Did you hear what he said about you Lizzy?  What a GREAT honor to be noticed by a man of his shoe size.  

Mama, your hair is curled much too tightly.  THAT was an insult to our entire family - don't you understand? Are you entirely devoid of sensitivity and good breeding...oh, never mind, I forgot for a moment to whom I was speaking.  No I shall show that man what a truly elegant female I am.  I'll rip him to shreds.

Don't be hasty, Lizzy.  I'm certain Mr. Big meant what he said in the kindest of ways.

I feel like the meat in an idiot sandwich.  You cannot be serious, Jane.  He intimated I was rabid!

Oh, Lizzy, I am certain you misunderstood him.  Perhaps he said vapid.

Shut up, Jane.  I will have a good deal to say about our Mr. Big tomorrow in my Sex in the Backseat of the Barouche column...mother please stop cleaning your teeth with your knife!

Just don't harm Mr. Bingley's BALLS...

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Sex in the (Regency) City - Episode One


'Lizzy, I believe you've had one too many CosmoRatafias!  What are you giggling at?  By the way, I love your shoes!  Are they really "Jimmy Brummell's"???'

'Do you like them?  They're ugly, uncomfortable and flimsily made - I adore them!  Anyway, I am laughing because I have a scoop for my 'Sex in the Barouche' column tomorrow - I just learned that hunky Chuck Bingley, the simple minded yet gorgeous Bituminous Asphalt and Cosmetics heir, has taken Netherfield Hall for the Snipe Hunting season AND he'll be attending the assembly tonight with a companion known only as Mr. Big - no one knows his real name but it is rumored his boots are quite - huge.  (smirk)

I never could understand why you obsess so about men's boot sizes, Lizzy.  

I know, Mary; and, that very fact has been a concern to mums and daddums for years.  Good heavens, have you been drinking cocoa?  No?  Ah.  Here's a thought - why don't you position your fan across your upper lip.  Not so scary then, for the children you know.

Bite me.

(aaahhhh, sweet mystery of life at last I've found you)

Lizzy!  It's happened!  I have just now fallen in love with that very pretty man over there - that one - over there; he's standing beside the fellow who looks as if he's recently eaten cabbage.  I think I may be carrying his child.  The pretty one's child I mean -- not the child of the fellow who just...just spit at Charlotte Lucas! Good heavens, did he just push her face into that bowl of punch?  I'm sure he has his reasons, but really, that is most distressing behavior.  After all, I'd only had one glass....

Quick!! Smell my underpants! La, I'm having such a good time.  Whatever is that on Mary's lip?  Looks like mold of some sort - who's turn was it to shave her today?  Never mind, she looks better with the hair - breaks up the monotony of her face - I say, where did the 82nd Airborne go off to - they promised me this dance.

Lydia, really are a disgusting little slut, aren't you?  You make me want to bathe.

Thank the lord something does.  Slam your head on the piano bench once or twice would you - maybe you'll get some color in your cheeks....oooh, look - men!  Boys, wait for me....!!!

Mrs. Bennet
Jane, come quickly.  Live meat just walked in - did you see?  Chuck Bingley!!!  5,000 a year and his own Bituminous Asphalt and Cosmetic business.  He owns the - are you ready for this - Bituminous Asphalt and Limestone Leasing Syndicate!  Yes!  He owns BALLS!   And he has a mysterious companion with him - must be a BALLS SUPPORTER, quite another jock I'm sure.  Now, Lizzy, do try to look stupid for once and for heavens sake don't mention your scandalous column.  And stick out your chest a bit, or walk around leaning over like I do and point your finger in the air - that's better - OMG - here they come.  Ha!  Jane, I knew he'd sniff you out immediately, Mama's little pension plan that's what you are -

Chuck Bingley
I say...this is a bit embarassing...

Mrs. Bennet
Now don't be shy with us, Mr. Bingley.  We know perfectly well who YOU are and that you own BALLS and we know what you want and Jane is perfectly agreeable to anything you have in mind...twice.

Chuck Bingley
Well, I say -  that's splendid news...but I really came over to see if you could throw a cloth or something over the girl with the worm on her lip...she's irritating in the extreme to my friend over there.  He's even indicated that he'd like to - oh, how did he put it - beat her senseless with a small badger, I believe he said.  Anyway, could you just set her off into the corner or push her out the window...?  Well, that was quick - thanks ever so much, Mrs. Bennet!  You're deceptively strong, aren't you?  That headlock you had on your daughter was capital, simply capital.  Big hates to be irritated, you see.  And he's always irritated.

Mr. Big (calling from across the room)
Is she dead yet, Bingley?  I have a knife and I've pretty good aim, even at this range...I could take out at least two of them very easily...

Chuck Bingley
No need - problem solved, Big.   Now - I thought I'd ask the pretty one over here to dance and later I'll fall in love with her but then dump her whenever you tell me to.  I've an idea - you could dance with the smart one.

Mr. Big

Monday, October 15, 2012

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

THIS AND THAT TUESDAY, and Gerard Butler

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was,"No!"

"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said O.K.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting,

"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." When the minister spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

Weird history answers of 8th grade through College 'student reports':

  1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
  2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
  3. Moses led the hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
  4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
  5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
  6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
  7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
  8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
  9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
  10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
  11. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
  12. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer.
  13. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
  14. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
  15. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
  16. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
  17. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
  18. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
  19. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
  20. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
  21. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
  22. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
  23. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
  24. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
  25. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

As always, the picture is completely gratuitous.  I love kilts and he's wearing nice gloves.  
And I'm hoping for a breeze.