The Following was found posted - very low - on a certain refrigerator door...
Dear Dogs and Cats (you know who you are): The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food, such as it is. The other dishes are ours and contain our food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that it is suddenly, now, your food, nor do we find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway is not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing us to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping us doesn't help because we fall faster than you can run. We have had years of practice.
We cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. We are very sorry about this. Do not think we will continue sleeping pressed into a corner of the mattress, or on the couch, to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up into a ball when they sleep. It is also not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
We also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize the space that you are taking up, is nothing short of sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! My goodness! We cannot emphasize this enough. If, by some miracle, We beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. We must exit through the same door we entered.
Also, we have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is this: Kiss us first, then go smell the other dog or cat's bottom.
Again, we cannot empahsize this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dearest pets, we have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN
(1) They live here...you do not.
(2) If you do not want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why it is referred to as "fur"-niture.
(3) We like our pets a lot better than we like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To us, they are the only children we will ever have, adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(a) eat less,
(b) don't ask for money all the time,
(c) are easier to train,
(d) normally come when called,
(e) never ask to drive the car,
(f) don't hang out with drug-using people,
(g) don't smoke or drink,
(h) don't want to wear your clothes,
(i) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(j) don't need a gazillion dollars for college
and, best of all,
(k) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children