Sunday, November 6, 2011

Dogs and Cats



The Following was found posted - very low - on a certain refrigerator door...

Dear Dogs and Cats (you know who you are):  The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food, such as it is.  The other dishes are ours and contain our food.  Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that it is suddenly, now, your food, nor do we find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. 

The stairway is not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Racing us to the top of the stairs is not the object.  Tripping us doesn't help because we fall faster than you can run.  We have had years of practice.

We cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.  We are very sorry about this.  Do not think we will continue sleeping pressed into a corner of the mattress, or on the couch, to ensure your comfort.  Dogs and cats can actually curl up into a ball when they sleep.  It is also not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  
We also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize the space that you are taking up, is nothing short of sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!  My goodness!  We cannot emphasize this enough.  If, by some miracle, We beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.  We must exit through the same door we entered. 
Also, we have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is this:  Kiss us first, then go smell the other dog or cat's bottom.  
Again, we cannot empahsize this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dearest pets, we have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN

(1) They live here...you do not.

(2) If you do not want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.  That's why it is referred to as "fur"-niture.

(3) We like our pets a lot better than we like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals.  To us, they are the only children we will ever have, adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly. 

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

(a) eat less,

(b) don't ask for money all the time,

(c) are easier to train,

(d) normally come when called,

(e) never ask to drive the car,

(f) don't hang out with drug-using people,

(g) don't smoke or drink,

(h) don't want to wear your clothes,

(i) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(j) don't need a gazillion dollars for college

and, best of all,

(k) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children
<><>
<><>
<><>












22 comments:

Kate Warren said...

I love this post!

A Scattering said...

That photo could have been my cat, Gray, at 2:30 this morning. He had vet appointment to have his teeth cleaned this morning so he was fasting. Or, closer to the truth, he was being fasted by me as I had to make sure he didn't have food after 9pm. NOT a happy cat. He's now back home and giving me blistering over the shoulder looks of total distain. He'll get over it....I hope.....

Cheryl Meehan said...

Hi,
This is very funny and true, but I really wanted to tell you how much I loved, loved, loved Darcy and Fitzwilliam. Thank you for making the Austin characters so delightfully funny. I laughed out loud many times as I read. I loved Lady Catherine, whom we're all supposed to despise. You made her attractive. The decorating schemes... Anyway, I hope your book is wildly successful and made into a movie like Pride and Prejudice, the one with Colin Frith that is. I look forward to reading your next book.
Cheryl Meehan

Karen V. Wasylowski said...

Cheryl thank you so very very much!! I just happened to check this out and was surprised to see a comment - shows how self confident I am - not! I WANT THEM TO MAKE A MOVIE OF MY BOOK TOO!! I love the boys, Darcy and Fitz. Another book is coming (hopefully if I can fool the publisher) D & F as fathers. Thanks again.
Karen

Anonymous said...

[url=http://loveepicentre.com/taketour.php][img]http://loveepicentre.com/uploades/photos/9.jpg[/img][/url]
matriarchal dating christian singles [url=http://loveepicentre.com/map.php]who is 2face currently dating[/url] ointernet dating
teen dating chat [url=http://loveepicentre.com]is michael waltrip dating[/url] naruto dating sims game
hot online dating games [url=http://loveepicentre.com/faq.php]james rhine dating rachel big brother[/url] free dating profile writer

Anonymous said...

[url=http://loveepicentre.com/testimonials.php][img]http://loveepicentre.com/uploades/photos/6.jpg[/img][/url]
i hate dating [url=http://loveepicentre.com/success_stories.php]darryl james dating[/url] who is jason statham dating
bikini russian dating [url=http://loveepicentre.com/articles.php]search for maurice calderon dating online[/url] military dating love
sailing dating [url=http://loveepicentre.com/faq.php]top rated gay dating sites[/url] couples dating sites

Anonymous said...

married couple dating san diego http://loveepicentre.com/testimonials.php hurt in dating

Anonymous said...

holiday decorating tips ebook http://audiobookscollection.co.uk/de/The-World-Is-Flat-3-0-A-Brief-History-of-the-Twenty-first-Century/p163606/ ebook field sales handbook cowden [url=http://audiobookscollection.co.uk/Susan-Bethanis/m121302/]aroused by sean wolfe ebook torrent[/url] organic chemistry wade ebook

Anonymous said...

penny stocks ebook http://audiobooksworld.co.uk/it/authors/?letter=X&page=5 drm removal ebook sony [url=http://audiobooksworld.co.uk/it/You/p28116/]ebook holders[/url] glaucoma ebook down free
[url=http://audiobooksworld.co.uk/fr/The-Name-of-the-Wind-Kingkiller-Chronicles-Day-1/p16152/][img]http://audiobooksworld.co.uk/image/7.gif[/img][/url]

Anonymous said...

Hello. And Bye. Thank you very much.

Anonymous said...

Hello. And Bye. Thank you very much.

Anonymous said...

Hello. And Bye. Thank you very much.

Anonymous said...

Hello. And Bye. Thank you very much.

Anonymous said...

bit for bit dvd copy software http://buyoem.co.uk/it/product-37128/PostgreSQL-Data-Wizard-7-8 ors software [url=http://buyoem.co.uk/fr/product-23743/Adobe-Contribute-CS4-Mac]dvd to mp4 software[/url] bmc software on hoovers
[url=http://buyoem.co.uk/product-33398/Adobe-Contribute-CS5-MAC]Adobe Contribute CS5 MAC - Download OEM, Software Sale, OEM Software[/url] best inexpensive cad software
[url=http://buyoem.co.uk/fr/product-17086/URSoft-Startup-Faster-3-0][img]http://buyoem.co.uk/image/5.gif[/img][/url]

Anonymous said...

tee time online software http://buyoemsoftware.co.uk/es/category-100-113/Programas-de-m-sica?page=4 word to pdf free software [url=http://buyoemsoftware.co.uk/de/category-100-113/Musik-Software?page=23]computer dublin software training[/url] windows ce gps software
[url=http://buyoemsoftware.co.uk/product-31541/Adobe-Lightroom-2-5-MAC]Adobe Lightroom 2.5 MAC - Download OEM, Software Sale, OEM Software[/url] template word 2003 install software
[url=http://buyoemsoftware.co.uk/category-100-115/Special-Offer][img]http://buyoem.co.uk/image/4.gif[/img][/url]

Anonymous said...

best online dating software http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/de/product-31611/Bibble-Labs-Bibble-Pro-5-0-Multilingual game software generator [url=http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/es/product-31549/Maxprog-iCash-5-1-MAC]western digital caviar software[/url] accounting computer payroll software
[url=http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/category-100-103/Graphics-and-Publishing?page=73]Graphics & Publishing - Software Store[/url] mcafee virus scan free software
[url=http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/manufacturer-4/Symantec][img]http://buyoem.co.uk/image/1.gif[/img][/url]

Anonymous said...

[url=http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/bystolic.htm][img]http://onlinemedistore.com/8.jpg[/img][/url]
bcbs drug pharmacy online http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/chloramphenicol.htm lakeville pharmacy [url=http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/flagyl-er.htm]reputable online pharmacy uk[/url]
savon pharmacy 30th hilyard fax http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/femara.htm pharmacy continuing education providers [url=http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/categories/skin-care.htm]skin care[/url]
international pharmacy reviews http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/diclofenac.htm salumed pharmacy [url=http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/categories/blood-pressure.htm]cialis and online pharmacy[/url]
baytown clinic pharmacy http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/nimotop.htm tramadol overnight pharmacy [url=http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/ranitidine.htm]ranitidine[/url]

Anonymous said...

[url=http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/ventolin.htm][img]http://onlinemedistore.com/8.jpg[/img][/url]
ye old pharmacy cedarburg http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/categories/anti-depressant-anti-anxiety.htm sibutramine pharmacy [url=http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/ampicillin.htm]pharmacy ce podcast[/url]
foreign pharmacy list http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/yasmin.htm line pharmacy cheap kamagra [url=http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/paxil.htm]paxil[/url]
american college of clinical pharmacy http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/abilify.htm g e pharmacy edmonton [url=http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/categories/men-s-health.htm]gelonida pharmacy[/url]
pharmacy store for sale http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/hyzaar.htm ovweseas pharmacy mastercard klonopin [url=http://certifiedpharmacy.co.uk/products/zyban.htm]zyban[/url]

Anonymous said...

father son dating [url=http://freeinternetdating.info/friendship/friendship-valentine-flowers]friendship valentine flowers[/url] dating khon kaen natanya
dating a shorter person http://freeinternetdating.info/marriage/poem-long-marriage old women dating
japanese dating etiquette [url=http://freeinternetdating.info/matchmaking/consumer-report-and-matchmaking-services]dating someone with antisocial personality disorder[/url] waterford women dating

Anonymous said...

dating college tas [url=http://freeinternetdating.info/friendship/friendship-veterinary-clinic-norfolk]friendship veterinary clinic norfolk[/url] miranda cosgrove dating david archuletta
biker girls dating match http://freeinternetdating.info/singles/singles-cruises-to-bermuda teaching about absolute dating
girls club dating sim game [url=http://freeinternetdating.info/bride/russia-virgin-bride]trans sexual dating site[/url] submissive orientals dating site

Anonymous said...

nick glas dating http://loveepicentre.com/articles/ seven minute dating calgary
christian dating websites for teens [url=http://loveepicentre.com/contact/]gay online dating australia[/url] who is ty pennington dating
dating alt [url=http://loveepicentre.com/testimonials/]who is ray j dating[/url] dad son dating [url=http://loveepicentre.com/user/jonny21/]jonny21[/url] international dating central

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.depressionmedicationhelp.com]ships persantin to all countries
[/url]
Depressionmedicationhelp Pharmacy, Anabolic steroids price list.
[url=http://www.depressionmedicationhelp.com]ceftriaxone cheapest
[/url]
Prices of anabolic steroids. Buy anabolic steroids online. Anabolic steroids best buy.
[url=http://www.depressionmedicationhelp.com]npltim
[/url]
Where can i buy anabolic steroids? How to buy anabolic steroids? Where to buy anabolic steroids?
[url=http://www.depressionmedicationhelp.com]depressionmedicationhelp Pharmacy[/url]