Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Dog and Cat Haikus and Richard Armitage

Cat Haiku
A pattering of rain
on the new eaves.
vomit on the bed.

Deep within the stream
The fish lie motionless
I pee on your bedspread

Dog Haiku
Love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten mouse.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds—I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paper boy—come to kill us all—
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush.
Hello, Spot—Sniff this and weep

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man—come to kill us all—
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

I sound the alarm!
Mail carrier—come to kill us all—
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle

I sound the alarm!
Gardener—come to kill us all—
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I Hate my choke chain—
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot—no greater bliss—well,
Maybe catching mice

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do

The cat is not all
Bad—she dots the neighborhood
With Tootsie Rolls

Dig under fence—why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

My owners' mood is
Romantic—I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.

~~~ Anonymous


Monday, November 26, 2012

The Tragic Downhill Spiral of Barbie's Life

Barbie does Henry Cavill
her very last film

You knew it had to happen, didn't you?  Fame came too young to this blonde beauty.  Remember the beginning, though.  She was fresh as a daisy and lookin' perky in her striped swimsuit and her Lucille Ball crazy hair.  What a knockout - a figure to die for, a perfect 13.5 cm bust, 8.5 cm waist and 12.5 cm hips.  NO amount of exercising could achieve that - that, my friend, is a gift from the Matel Gods.  I loved her.  We all loved her...

She never wanted for a thing, never had to work for it either.  She had the house, the car, the malibu pad, the  perfect boyfriend.  The first signs of rebellion came, as usual, when she entered college...

Shocking, isn't it?  Removed from the scrutiny of the Paparazzi, free to do as she wanted, the girl went wild!  There was nothing she wouldn't do - and twice!  

It wasn't long before the partying took over her life. She quit school and  took a job as the dominatrix at a local dude ranch, The Good, The Bad, and the Fully Bonded.  It was steady work and she was able to feed her organic polymer fix.  Yes, that's right, she was a synthetic junkie!  

There was body piercing

She began pole dancing in Nudie clubs

It was her appearance in this calendar as Miss September that caught the eye of a disreputable Hollywood porn producer 

Ben Dover
(Yes,THE Ben Dover)

Her films were legendary - Barbie Does Caligula, 
Barbie does New Hampshire, 
Emmanuel Does Toys R Us,  
Barbie and Emmanuel Do Toys R Us, 
Toys R Us and New Hampshire does Barbie and Emmanuel,
The East Coast and Parts of Iowa Do Emmanuel, Barbie and Randy Spears


Barbie finally had enough - with age came maturity.  She settled down somewhere in Florida with her Ken (real name Buford)  Barbs and Buford had seven children (her last was a plastic key ring that nearly killed her)

Barbie today at 53