Saturday, December 22, 2012

The Holly and the Ivy and the Sacred Colin Firth Christmas Jumper Picture



The Holly and the Ivy, a Christmas carol dating from the 17th - 18th Century, is one of my most favorite.  The concept of Holly and Ivy has come to symbolize different things over time, from the original pagan festivities of the Winter Solstice, or emerging as a homage to Jesus Christ and his Virgin birth, to even being a representation of the Battle of the Sexes.

The dreaded Pagans - Holly was sacred to the Druids.  To alleviate the dreariness of winter they would decorate their dwelling places with it, allowing the greenery and the berries to recall the Springtime to come, the hope and promise of rebirth.  Pagans fashioned Holly and Ivy into wreaths and garlands for the Winter months; Ivy had a close association with the idea of Bacchus, the Roman God of wine, Holly with Saturnalia (upon which the Christmas holiday was based)  Holly and Ivy were accepted decorations during Roman times, and despite the disapproval of early church fathers, they gradually found their way into our Christmas traditions.

The Church - Early English Lyrics by Chambers and Sidgwick, published in 1926, mentions a broadside of 1710 with a version of the carol which begins

The holly and the ivy
Now are both well grown
Of all the trees that are in the wood
The holly bears the crown

The holly bears a blossom
As white as lily flower
And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ
To be our sweet Saviour.

The holly bears a berry
As red as any blood,
And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ
To do poor sinners good.

The holly bears a prickle
As sharp as any thorn,
And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ
On Christmas Day in the morn.

The holly bears a bark
As bitter as any gall,
And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ
For to redeem us all.

The holly and the ivy,
When they are both full grown
Of all the trees that are in the wood
The holly bears the crown.

Here the Pagan symbols for life and rebirth, Holly and Ivy, are captured in lyrics that possess a definite Christian meaning.   The blossom, 'white as lily flower,' recalls the purity of the Blessed Mother and the innocence of the birth of Jesus.  The red berry recalls the blood of Christ, the prickle of the leaves as sharp as the Crown of Thorns, the bark bitter as the gall given to Christ to drink as he died on the cross.  'Of all the trees that are in the wood, the Holly bears the Crown."

The Battle of the Sexes - Everyone's favorite bitter/sweet battle.  Supposedly, in ancient English village life, men and women would hold singing competitions in midwinter with the men praising Holly for its masculine strength and disparaging the Ivy for it's femininity.  Of course, women took the opposite viewpoint (remember, the battle between men and women is as old as time).  Women would praise the Ivy for its feminine qualities and scorn the Holly for it's manliness.  Not surprisingly, more 'Holly' songs survived, as this example below.

Holly stands in the hall, fair to behold:
Ivy stands without the door, she is full sore a cold.
Nay, ivy, nay, it shall not be I wis;
Let holly have the mastery, as the manner is.

Holly and his merry men, they dance and they sing,
Ivy and her maidens, they weep and they wring.
Nay, ivy, nay, it shall not be I wis;
Let holly have the mastery, as the manner is.

Ivy hath chapped fingers, she caught them from the cold,
So might they all have, aye, that with ivy hold.
Nay, ivy, nay, it shall not be I wis;
Let holly have the mastery, as the manner is.


For me - The Holly and the Ivy reminds me of watching old black and white Christmas movies on television late at night, the English ones especially, like A Christmas Carol - every year my brother and I would watch the Alastair Sim version on TV (NEVER the Reginald Owen one).  I also think of midnight mass for which I could never seem to stay awake.  As the choir sang carols I would fall asleep leaning on my mom's arm or snuggled in my father's lap.  

Happily, the carol continues as popular as always, bringing me so many happy memories of Christmas past.  When I was younger I never understood when old relatives would become melancholy on such a wonderful day!  I loved Christmas and the gifts and the family joy.  But then time took its toll on me as well. I got to be an old crank like my aunts and uncles before me.  As you age you sometimes lose your grasp on the holiday you loved as a child; worse yet, you lose the very people who made it special.  

It is then that the real meaning of Christmas, hopefully, recharges your spirits.  This is a holiday of hope and rebirth; after all, the salvation of the world is at hand.

Hold your loved ones near and never let them go

And have a very Merry Christmas
God Bless Us, One and All.



Karen V. Wasylowski is the author of two books, 'Darcy and Fitzwilliam' a rollickingly funny continuation of Jane Austen's 'Pride and Prejudice'
and
'Sons and Daughters', a rollickingly funny continuation of 'Darcy and Fitzwilliam'
(The Family Saga of Mr. Darcy)

Purchase either book here, at Amazon.com


Visit her blog, as well

THE LEAGUE OF BRITISH ARTISTS









Wednesday, December 19, 2012

A morning visit with Mr. Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam




“Mr. Darcy, sir.”

“Yes, Mrs. Reynolds.”

“Sorry to disturb your breakfast – oh, good morning Colonel Fitzwilliam. I was unaware you were breakfasting here…at Pemberley…today…again –.”

“Morning, Mrs. Reynolds, let myself in. I wonder, are there any more coddled eggs in the kitchens? And some ham perhaps. A good roast wouldn’t be turned away…”

Darcy lowered his newssheet. “Fitzwilliam, haven’t you your own food, your own residence…your own kitchens? Why am I continuously feeding you here?”

“Well, what an incredibly thoughtless thing to say. I am shocked, Darcy, horribly affronted, wounded deeply – oh, and, by the way, if you’ve more scones down there, Mrs. Reynolds, you may as well bring those up as well. Wouldn’t want your cook’s excellent excess gone to waste.”

Darcy sighed then turned to his housekeeper. “Bring him fruit and two slices of bread with jam; he’s had enough meat, eggs and pie to sink a boat already. Mrs. Reynolds, what was it you wanted?”

“There was a woman here to see you…”

“Tsk, tsk, tsk, Darcy, Darcy, Darcy – such scandalous behavior…”

“Ignore my cousin, Mrs. Reynolds; proceed.”

“As I was saying, there was a woman here to see you, that American – Karen V. Masikowsky, or Wasyhooski, or something like that; the one who wrote the book about you and Colonel Fitzwilliam – ‘Darcy and Fitzwilliam; A Tale of a Gentleman and an Officer.’

Fitzwilliam slammed his knife and fork onto the table. “Oh gad, not her again! She pestered me last time until I thought I’d lose my mind, Darcy…”

“…what mind…?”

“… stalking my wife, questioning my servants…”

“What does she want, Mrs. Reynolds?”

“…I swear I even saw her sifting through my trash. In fact, I definitely saw a rather chubby foot sticking straight out from the compost heap last September. Must have been her. Hope it was her…”

“Well, Mr. Darcy, Colonel Fitzwilliam, apparently she’s written another book, sir, this one about you and the Colonel and events that happened during the next twenty years of your marriages.”

“Oh, will you look at the time. I’d better be off.”

“Sit down, Fitzwilliam.”

“Kind of you to ask me to stay, Darcy; however, I really should be going. I need to shave and then I’m to meet my estate manager, or the bishop, or my solicitor…”

“Which is it?”

“Take your choice. I just don’t wish to be in the same room with that woman! Only heaven knows what she’s dug up…no pun intended regarding the compost heap incident…”

“Come now. She could not have discovered anything that scandalous, Fitzwilliam.”

“Do you remember the past twenty years?”

“Show her in, Mrs. Reynolds.”

“Are you mad, Darcy?”

“Evidently so, you’re still here.”

“I am afraid she’s already left the premises, sir. Last I saw of her she was bouncing up and down the driveway and cackling like a crazy woman. I think she’s a pea short of a casserole, sir, if I may be so bold.” Mrs. Reynolds placed a book upon the table then and produced a short missive from her apron pocket. “She left these behind, a copy of her new book, 'Sons and Daughters', and a note.”

Darcy opened the note ~~

Here is my latest book, “Sons and Daughters” a sequel to my Pride and Prejudice sequel, “Darcy and Fitzwilliam” ~~

“Rather peculiar woman if you ask me.” Fitzwilliam picked up the book, turned it over. “Pretty cover, not as nice as the first, but still, quite pleasurable. What else does she say Darcy?”

Darcy proceeded to read aloud ~~

Your story is now a Family Saga, you see. I feel it began with “Pride and Prejudice” then continued with “Darcy and Fitzwilliam”, and now goes forward again with “Sons and Daughters”. “Sons and Daughters” begins five years after the end of my first book and follows you and the Colonel for the next twenty years, examines your choices as fathers, the sacrifices you made for your families, describes your children’s infancies, adolescence, their young adulthood and finally their maturing into adults in their own right. I hope you enjoy. There shall be more, but for now, I am your obedient servant, Karen V. Wasylowski~~

“More? God help us!” Fitzwilliam had opened the book to a random page and began reading. It wasn’t long before a hoot of laughter escaped him. “Well, I do hate to admit it, but this is quite funny! Remember the incident with the children when they found my trunk in the attic, the one with my war mementos, those rather bawdy ink drawings from France? Listen to this, Darcy.” Fitzwilliam then began to read a short excerpt from Sons and Daughters …

“What ever possessed you to retain these pictures?”

“They’re works of art, Darcy! Very valuable.”

“Oh, yes, I can sense the influence of Botticelli here, what would he call this, Venus Reclining in Barracks?”

“Don’t look so smug. You don’t understand, you’ve never been to war, brat. Alone, dispirited, terrified, and forced to live in appalling deprivation…”

“Your mistress secured a villa for you both throughout much of the Portuguese Campaign and, when in France, you stayed at the Palace. Please spare me the – oh, good heavens. Is that his foot?”

“Give me those. Oh, I say, Darcy, I actually met this woman in Paris. She was very pleasant.”

“I spoke with George, explained to him all about procreation. He was bored to tears but then inquired about the upcoming horse race that Tattersall’s is sponsoring, said he needed other thoughts to distract him from the horrors he had witnessed in the attic. The child is becoming a first rate manipulator.”

“Did it work? Are you taking him?”

“Yes, of course I am. Guilt is a wonderful incentive. Did you speak with your children?”

“Good gracious no! I’m certain the boys would do better learning the way we learned, behind the barns or peeking in windows…”

“You are pathetic.”

“Never claimed to be otherwise. Sweet St. Timothy’s shin bone, Darcy, did you see this one?”

“I have not the same prurient tastes as you…ooh, let me see that. Good God! Is that Barlow?”

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Dog and Cat Haikus and Richard Armitage



Cat Haiku
A pattering of rain
on the new eaves.
vomit on the bed.

Deep within the stream
The fish lie motionless
I pee on your bedspread

Dog Haiku
Love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten mouse.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds—I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paper boy—come to kill us all—
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush.
Hello, Spot—Sniff this and weep

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man—come to kill us all—
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

I sound the alarm!
Mail carrier—come to kill us all—
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle

I sound the alarm!
Gardener—come to kill us all—
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I Hate my choke chain—
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot—no greater bliss—well,
Maybe catching mice

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do

The cat is not all
Bad—she dots the neighborhood
With Tootsie Rolls

Dig under fence—why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

My owners' mood is
Romantic—I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.

~~~ Anonymous

/


Monday, November 26, 2012

The Tragic Downhill Spiral of Barbie's Life


Barbie does Henry Cavill
her very last film


You knew it had to happen, didn't you?  Fame came too young to this blonde beauty.  Remember the beginning, though.  She was fresh as a daisy and lookin' perky in her striped swimsuit and her Lucille Ball crazy hair.  What a knockout - a figure to die for, a perfect 13.5 cm bust, 8.5 cm waist and 12.5 cm hips.  NO amount of exercising could achieve that - that, my friend, is a gift from the Matel Gods.  I loved her.  We all loved her...


She never wanted for a thing, never had to work for it either.  She had the house, the car, the malibu pad, the  perfect boyfriend.  The first signs of rebellion came, as usual, when she entered college...


Shocking, isn't it?  Removed from the scrutiny of the Paparazzi, free to do as she wanted, the girl went wild!  There was nothing she wouldn't do - and twice!  

It wasn't long before the partying took over her life. She quit school and  took a job as the dominatrix at a local dude ranch, The Good, The Bad, and the Fully Bonded.  It was steady work and she was able to feed her organic polymer fix.  Yes, that's right, she was a synthetic junkie!  


There was body piercing


She began pole dancing in Nudie clubs

It was her appearance in this calendar as Miss September that caught the eye of a disreputable Hollywood porn producer 

Ben Dover
(Yes,THE Ben Dover)

Her films were legendary - Barbie Does Caligula, 
Barbie does New Hampshire, 
Emmanuel Does Toys R Us,  
Barbie and Emmanuel Do Toys R Us, 
Toys R Us and New Hampshire does Barbie and Emmanuel,
The East Coast and Parts of Iowa Do Emmanuel, Barbie and Randy Spears

 

Barbie finally had enough - with age came maturity.  She settled down somewhere in Florida with her Ken (real name Buford)  Barbs and Buford had seven children (her last was a plastic key ring that nearly killed her)


Barbie today at 53








Monday, October 22, 2012

Sex in the (Regency City) - Episode Two (Lizzy gets dissed by Mr. Big)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EPISODE TWO
(Chuck Bingley has suggested to his friend, Mr. Big, that he might want to dance with the 'smart' Bennet sister - Mr. Big might, not Chuck.  Chuck is already salivating after the pretty sister.)


Mr. Big
Me?  Dance with that?  I'd rather eat dog mange than dance with that...that...person.  She possesses absolutely no attractive aspect in my eyes, Bingley - no grace, no proper attire, no acceptable coif nor cap nor even turban with a smart feather...she also has no feet as far as I can see since her gown is so drab that my gaze refuses to linger for the usual rakish up and down perusal.  The gall!  I think she just stuck her tongue out at me - she could be rabid.  Where's my pistol when I need it...?

Chuck Bingley
I'm certain it was nothing personal, Big; probably gas...please calm yourself.  Here allow me to lick your boots again, and please try to keep your voice down - I believe she may have heard that last comment of yours and that may interfere with my deflowering her sister  later in the story.  She's not that bad looking is she?  Not in a dark light - or better yet no light...

Mr. Big
Nonsense.  I'm going to dance only with your sister Caroline.  At least I am half way assured I won't need a series of shots later  Ah, here she is...


Mr. Big
I'm going to be requiring a good deal of alchohol tonight, Bingley.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Mrs. Bennet
Did you hear what he said about you Lizzy?  What a GREAT honor to be noticed by a man of his shoe size.  

Lizzy
Mama, your hair is curled much too tightly.  THAT was an insult to our entire family - don't you understand? Are you entirely devoid of sensitivity and good breeding...oh, never mind, I forgot for a moment to whom I was speaking.  No I shall show that man what a truly elegant female I am.  I'll rip him to shreds.

Jane
Don't be hasty, Lizzy.  I'm certain Mr. Big meant what he said in the kindest of ways.

Lizzy
I feel like the meat in an idiot sandwich.  You cannot be serious, Jane.  He intimated I was rabid!

Jane
Oh, Lizzy, I am certain you misunderstood him.  Perhaps he said vapid.

Lizzy
Shut up, Jane.  I will have a good deal to say about our Mr. Big tomorrow in my Sex in the Backseat of the Barouche column...mother please stop cleaning your teeth with your knife!

Jane
Just don't harm Mr. Bingley's BALLS...


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Sex in the (Regency) City - Episode One


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Jane
'Lizzy, I believe you've had one too many CosmoRatafias!  What are you giggling at?  By the way, I love your shoes!  Are they really "Jimmy Brummell's"???'

Lizzy  
'Do you like them?  They're ugly, uncomfortable and flimsily made - I adore them!  Anyway, I am laughing because I have a scoop for my 'Sex in the Barouche' column tomorrow - I just learned that hunky Chuck Bingley, the simple minded yet gorgeous Bituminous Asphalt and Cosmetics heir, has taken Netherfield Hall for the Snipe Hunting season AND he'll be attending the assembly tonight with a companion known only as Mr. Big - no one knows his real name but it is rumored his boots are quite - huge.  (smirk)


Mary
I never could understand why you obsess so about men's boot sizes, Lizzy.  

Lizzy
I know, Mary; and, that very fact has been a concern to mums and daddums for years.  Good heavens, have you been drinking cocoa?  No?  Ah.  Here's a thought - why don't you position your fan across your upper lip.  Not so scary then, for the children you know.

Mary
Bite me.

(aaahhhh, sweet mystery of life at last I've found you)

Jane
Lizzy!  It's happened!  I have just now fallen in love with that very pretty man over there - that one - over there; he's standing beside the fellow who looks as if he's recently eaten cabbage.  I think I may be carrying his child.  The pretty one's child I mean -- not the child of the fellow who just...just spit at Charlotte Lucas! Good heavens, did he just push her face into that bowl of punch?  I'm sure he has his reasons, but really, that is most distressing behavior.  After all, I'd only had one glass....


Lydia
Quick!! Smell my underpants! La, I'm having such a good time.  Whatever is that on Mary's lip?  Looks like mold of some sort - who's turn was it to shave her today?  Never mind, she looks better with the hair - breaks up the monotony of her face - I say, where did the 82nd Airborne go off to - they promised me this dance.


Mary
Lydia, Lydia...you really are a disgusting little slut, aren't you?  You make me want to bathe.

Lydia
Thank the lord something does.  Slam your head on the piano bench once or twice would you - maybe you'll get some color in your cheeks....oooh, look - men!  Boys, wait for me....!!!



Mrs. Bennet
Jane, come quickly.  Live meat just walked in - did you see?  Chuck Bingley!!!  5,000 a year and his own Bituminous Asphalt and Cosmetic business.  He owns the - are you ready for this - Bituminous Asphalt and Limestone Leasing Syndicate!  Yes!  He owns BALLS!   And he has a mysterious companion with him - must be a BALLS SUPPORTER, quite another jock I'm sure.  Now, Lizzy, do try to look stupid for once and for heavens sake don't mention your scandalous column.  And stick out your chest a bit, or walk around leaning over like I do and point your finger in the air - that's better - OMG - here they come.  Ha!  Jane, I knew he'd sniff you out immediately, Mama's little pension plan that's what you are -



Chuck Bingley
I say...this is a bit embarassing...

Mrs. Bennet
Now don't be shy with us, Mr. Bingley.  We know perfectly well who YOU are and that you own BALLS and we know what you want and Jane is perfectly agreeable to anything you have in mind...twice.

Chuck Bingley
Well, I say -  that's splendid news...but I really came over to see if you could throw a cloth or something over the girl with the worm on her lip...she's irritating in the extreme to my friend over there.  He's even indicated that he'd like to - oh, how did he put it - beat her senseless with a small badger, I believe he said.  Anyway, could you just set her off into the corner or push her out the window...?  Well, that was quick - thanks ever so much, Mrs. Bennet!  You're deceptively strong, aren't you?  That headlock you had on your daughter was capital, simply capital.  Big hates to be irritated, you see.  And he's always irritated.


Mr. Big (calling from across the room)
Is she dead yet, Bingley?  I have a knife and I've pretty good aim, even at this range...I could take out at least two of them very easily...

Chuck Bingley
No need - problem solved, Big.   Now - I thought I'd ask the pretty one over here to dance and later I'll fall in love with her but then dump her whenever you tell me to.  I've an idea - you could dance with the smart one.

Mr. Big
bugger

Monday, October 15, 2012

SEX IN THE (REGENCY) CITY


~~~~~~~~









EPISODE ONE - LIZZY MEETS MR. BIG...  (COMING SOON)

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

THIS AND THAT TUESDAY, and Gerard Butler



"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was,"No!"

"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"



Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said O.K.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting,

"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.




A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." When the minister spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


Weird history answers of 8th grade through College 'student reports':

  1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
  2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
  3. Moses led the hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
  4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
  5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
  6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
  7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
  8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
  9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
  10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
  11. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
  12. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer.
  13. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
  14. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
  15. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
  16. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
  17. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
  18. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
  19. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
  20. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
  21. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
  22. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
  23. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
  24. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
  25. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

As always, the picture is completely gratuitous.  I love kilts and he's wearing nice gloves.  
And I'm hoping for a breeze.





Tuesday, August 14, 2012

What I Believe...


A Birth Certificate shows that we were born 
A Death Certificate shows that we died 
Pictures show that we live! 
Have a seat. Relax . . . 
and read this slowly.



I Believe... 
That just because two people argue, 
It doesn't mean they don't love each other. 
And just because they don't argue, 
It doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if 
We understand that friends change.

I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is, 
they're going to hurt you, 
every once in a while 
and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe.....
That true friendship continues to grow, 
even over the longest distance. 
Same goes for true love.

I Believe... 
That you can do something in an instant 
That will give you heartache for life.

I Believe....
That it's taking me a long time 
To become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with Loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe.... 
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe....
That we are responsible for what 
We do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe....
That heroes are the people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, 
regardless of the consequences.

I Believe....
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing
and have the best time..

I Believe....
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're
down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry 
I have the right to be angry, but that
doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had 
A nd what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe.....
That it isn't always enough, 
to be forgiven by others. 
Sometimes, you have to learn
to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad 
your heart is broken, 
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe....
That our background and circumstances 
may have influenced who we are, but, 
we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be 
so eager to find out a secret. 
It could change your life forever.

I Believe....
Two people can look at the exact same 
Thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed 
in a matter of hours 
by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think 
you have no more to give, 
When a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall 
do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about 
most in life are taken from you too soon.

I Believe...




Wednesday, August 8, 2012

IF THEY WERE DONE BACKWARDS...

SOMETIMES THE STORIES ARE MORE HEARTWARMING, MORE DECENT (MAKE MORE SENSE) --- WHEN SEEN BACKWARDS

by Natalie Zutter 





































FROM CRUSHABLE