Wednesday, March 28, 2012


Ok, where did we leave off?  I'll recap for you.

We own a condo that we are upside down in or under water, or whatever the term is for a piece of property that was once valuable and is now worth shit.  We have a mortgage to pay and a non-paying renter who won't leave...

We went there Saturday to see if she had left - she told me for certain the last of her things would be gone Friday night.  You guessed it.  She was still there - opened the door only wearing a sleeveless scoop neck t-shirt.  Nothing else.  Richie spun around and went outside.  The house was still piled with garbage, dirty dishes, old rugs, boxes, dirty laundry - I went nuts.  I told her I had had enough (finally).

Monday Richie and I went to the Clerk of the Court to begin the process of Eviction.  She could already by gone, I'll never know because I won't go there anymore.  We live in a very small Florida town, but it's the County Seat so we have a nifty court house with Barney Fife and Goober manning the scanning machine. (Actually I think it's a cartoon show they're watching and just pretending it's a scanning machine)  Rich and I studied hard and both passed through the machine, found the place where we filed the papers, but Richie had to run to the post office to get a stamped envelope that the Court insists upon - they mail a copy of the eviction notice to the party as well as hand delivering it.

(Richie is using a body double for this part of the blog)

When Richie came back he had to go through the scanner again and he beeped - or it beeped.  Goober, who wears wire rim sunglasses inside, told Richie to remove his belt (Richie's belt, not Goobers).  Richie did and his shorts fell down.  It was a bonding moment - I could hear the laughter all the way down the hall.  Anyway, the process of filing for eviction cost us $198.50 (I know, it doesn't make sense but remember, this is Florida.  The entire state is on some sort of drug at all times.  Double parking fine is $46.78)

Then we took the 5 day notice to the Sheriff's office.  It costs $40 to have a sheriff deliver the notification.  He tries in the morning, then if he can't deliver he returns again in six hours.  If there is still no one there, he can post the notification on the door.  That gives her 5 days to come up with a plausible reason for not leaving, like I am only a crazy bitch with a vendetta (not so far from the truth - I am part Sicilian)  After the five full days - not counting the weekend - we can file the rest of the papers with the judge, he checks them over, and then they evict.  What could go wrong?

First problem happened before we even returned home.  I failed to indicate West on the address.  (La, my brain)  The Sheriffs office wouldn't deliver without that little bit of information so Rich had to go back down the following morning and add "west" to the address.  Fine.  We figured they would deliver that day, then we had five full days, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Monday, Tuesday (No weekend).  We could file eviction on Wednesday of next week.

I called this morning (Wednesday) to see if it was delivered.  Now they tell me its a 5/20 form.  That means I said we are owed rent so they have to hand deliver to the person - no posting - if we want the money.  They were waiting for me to call I guess because no one had gone out yet.  I said I DON'T GIVE A SHIT  ABOUT THE GODDAMN F'ING MONEY.  Or did I just want to say that.  Can't remember.  Actually I said we would waive the rent for the month and agreed that if we decide later to pursue that course we would proceed with small claims court.

They said they'd post the notice on her door today.  That means our five business days have moved up one day - so now we can't file the eviction until next Thursday.

What judge is going to evict someone on Good Friday?  It's almost biblical, isn't it?

(Another tenant I would not evict)

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