Monday, June 15, 2015

This and That Tuesday...

Jane Austen attempts to publish her historic book, Pride and Prejudice… in the TWENTY FIRST CENTURY!!

(A) E-mail from Jane Austen, sent to publishers:
“Hello, my name is Jane Austen, and I have written a romance novel.  The main story concerns a gentleman who is very rich, but insufferable.  He falls in love with a poor young woman who is not as pretty as her sister, but has a quick wit about her.  Initially he proposes marriage to her while at the same time insulting her family.  He also convinces his best friend that her sister is not good enough for the man... for some reason I haven’t quite worked out yet.  Anyway, the young woman he loves gives him the old heave ho then travels to his home, sees how beautiful it is, and decides he’s the one for her.  The world length is 123,880.

(B) Reply from publishers:
“We do not accept inquiries thru the internet.”
“We thank you for your inquiry; however, we are not accepting new writers.”
“There is no way in hell for you to get a book published so why should we bother replying to you.”
“Unless your brother is a mass murdering pedophile, please do not bother us again.”

Finally, a glimmer of hope:
“Please submit the first twenty chapters of your novel, in duplicate, in print, on yellow lined paper, no staples, two-inch margins, triple-spaced.  Also, provide us with the demographic you wish to attract, a sample of your marketing plan, six forms of ID, and, no we still will not publish you, under any circumstance.  Unless you are a reality star.  Or, there’s really hot sex.  With bondage.  And cut it down to 95,000 words.”

(C) E-mail from Jane Austen to publisher in response:
“I can put sex in it.  Just one question, what is sex?  This is 1810, I am thirty-five years old and I live with my father, a former minister.  Give me a break.”


Can we all admit to a healthy fear of Mesothelioma and move on already...


Benedict Cumberbatch is a papa now.  Names generated on twitter include the following:

Cabbage Patch Cumberbatch
Sherlock Stephen Alan Khan Cumberbatch


You know what I really love are those commercials where there is an older woman, slender, dressed in some shimmery thing.  She has long, long, white hair that she peeks out at you from while she smirks, as the voiceover  talks about the super medication she's on for some reason, probably bladder control, and she's all "look at me...don't I look good for a woman in her fifties?" (because fifties are a near death experience for the young puppies who now run marketing programs)

And then the announcer tells of the side effects:
"If you experience swelling of the hands or gums, vaginal bleeding, hemorrhoids, dry mouth, vomiting, temporary blindness, heart palpitations, incontinence, momentary amnesia, tingling in your shoulder or elbow, loss of a limb..."
Meanwhile the old bat is grinning and writhing around on a sofa like she has back itch.
Yeah. Love that commercial.


Is swearing mandatory now on cable shows?  I have a few shows I like to watch - Silicon Valley, Episodes, Veep - and in all of them without exception the word fuck is shouted out at least twice in each sentence.  Also, vagina is really big (no pun intended). Also dickwad, prick, asswipe, cocksucker - do people actually talk like that in the real world?  I wander around freely when my restraints are removed and I have never heard people shrieking these things out
(unless I'm at Walmart - duh)

When did humor sink so low?  We still watch Seinfeld and laugh our heads off, and not once did someone grab their crotch and yell, 'eat me, MF', not even Kramer.
And they were funny.  Really funny.
But I digress...

We saw "Spy" with my favorite Melissa McCarthy and it was the same thing.  F***, MF, shithead... it went on and on.  Is the shock value supposed to be supplying the laughs?

Of course, I did really, really enjoy it when Colin Firth did it... duh.

1 comment:

mlg said...

Thanks for posting this on my Facebook page. I really enjoyed it. It was very humourous and cheered me up, while my day wasn't going to good.