"Paraprosdokian's" and no, those aren't second cousins of the Kardashian's...and Richard Armitage

From Arrested Downton 

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech  in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. 

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way.  So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.  

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.  

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said "Implants?"  

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.  

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won ' t expect it  back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.  

Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.  

I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a large shot of gin.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Brigade usually uses water.

You ' re never too old to learn something stupid.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?  

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put  'DOCTOR'.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (ever been to Wal Mart)

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.