Monday, November 4, 2013

This And That Monday (Murder, Scotsmen and Selfies) and Richard Armitage


Evidently reeling from back lash caused by her new book, BRIDGET JONES, HOW I WRECKED A FRANCHISE, author Helen Fielding, dressed for Halloween as Samuel L. Jackson, has shot and killed actor Colin Firth, thereby ending the world's hopes that she rewrite her stupid storyline and resurrect Mark Darcy.  An all points bulletin has been issued for her apprehension.

Further, sources close to the investigation tell us security has now been tightened around Renee Zellweger, the actress who portrayed Bridget Jones in two very successful movies.  It is believed that since Helen Fielding has always expressed a dislike of Zellweger's portrayal of fat and frumpy Bridget, the actress may be in danger.  Fielding believes, and rightly so, that she herself should play the now much older role, even going so far as to purchase a Stella McCartney ensemble to next disguise herself as Javier Bardem.

In an interesting aside, actress Kathy Bates has issued an invitation for Fielding to join her this winter at her remote, cabin in the woods, retreat, where she has offered to break Fielding's legs, and then care for her during her recuperation...and hopeful rewrite.  We all wish Miss Bates the best with her endeavor.



In an effort to show that teens are not the self-centered, vapid creatures they are portrayed in film and television, Fast Company's Jason Feifer, creator of the Tumblr "Selfies at Serious Places," has provided the world with his latest masterpiece: "Selfies at Funerals."

Just in time for Christmas Cheer - these will warm your heart...

selfies at funerals


A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

When Jock  moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?"
"Well," explained  Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all

Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.

She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock  hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"

Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"
"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled  Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"

Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.

The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"

A  very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says

"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"

Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."

Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"

"About two acres" Jock replies.
"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.
"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."

A  plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back"

The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
"Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam.
Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"

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