Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Sex and the (Regency) City - Episode Three (Mr. Big falls in Lust)

EPISODE ONE - The Rotary Club Assembly Ball
Lizzy Bennet, sex advice columnist for the Meryton Examiner, watches in horror as her idiotic mother attempts to body check the sweet, rich, handsome, and clueless, Mr. Chuck Bingley, before he gets away, hoping he might notice one of her daughters on his way to the floor.  Meanwhile, Mr. Bingley's 1813 Olympic Synchronized Swimming Sponsor, Mr. Big, has an unfortunate encounter with the irritating Charlotte Lucas, wherein she falls repeatedly into his closed fist.

EPISODE TWO - Still at the Rotary Club Assembly Ball
Chuck Bingley suggests to his friend, Mr. Big, that he might want to dance with the 'smart' Bennet sister. ( I mean Mr. Big might want to dance, not Chuck.)  Chuck is already salivating after the stupid - I - mean - pretty sister, Jane Bennet.

Gangnam style dancing ensues.

Lydia Bennet donates her bloomers to the Regimental Benevolent Fund, Kitty Bennet pulls a chair up to the buffet table growling and hissing at anyone who approaches, Mary Bennet is clubbed to death by Reverend Collins for referring to the Maccabees as the Macadamians.  Interesting aside, Mr. Bennet has disappeared upstairs with one of the footmen and several bananas. We continue...


EPISODE THREE - The modest Bingley Meryton Time Share

Lizzy Bennet's 'Sex in the Barouch' morning column provides a detailed report of the prior evening's Rotary Club Assembly and has the mooching Bingley Bunch in a Bizzy - I mean a Tizzy - all except the eternally annoyed Mr. Big, who discovers, to his dismay, that somehow he has developed a tendre, a fascination, dare I say it, a tented pantaloon, in regard to the "smart" Bennet sister.
(I would be remiss if I did not point out, at this juncture, that being deemed 'smart' within the confines of the Bennet household is not incredibly difficult)

Chuck Bingley
Oh, I say, Big - you really must read this column; it is quite diverting.  This young woman writer person, Miss 'Wouldn't You Like to Know' claims she was at the Assembly last evening.  (Bwahahaha)  She mentions you, do you see.  Do you see, Big?  Here.  Says your feet are so large you were capable of stepping on the dancers' toes - from the foyer.  (Bwahahaha)  You were in the foyer, do you see; not the dancers, that is where the humor comes into it.  They were on the floor...

Mr. Big
I get the joke, Bingley

Chuck Bingley
How very amusing that is, what.  Because you do have dashed large feet, Big.  And that's one of the reasons we all call you Big.  Because of your hairy, large feet.  Caroline said she'd never seen toes as long as yours...wait a moment - how did she happen to see your feet...?

Mr. Big
They were on either side of her head during the traditional Hogmanay ceremony, Bingley; and, although I hate to brag, it's certainly not the only reason they call me Big.  Give me that paper and let me read this for myself.  I wonder which of those cretins wrote this...

Chuck Bingley
Oh, I know who it was. It was that perky 'smart' Bennet girl, my beloved Jane's sister - the one you said looked like a potato.  Then you said her mother had so many wrinkles she'd have to screw on her hat.  Then you said her sister had a good head on her shoulders, but it would look better on a neck.  Then you said her other sister's spends more time on her knees than the Archbishop of Canterbury.  They you said her father....

Mr. Big
Heavens, Bingley, must you keep note cards on everything I say!  Those were just random observances; surely she didn't hear any of them.  Yes, yes, all right, I do remember I was screaming them from the upper balcony, quite right.  I just never imagined she would be vengeful enough to turn on me like this.  
What a detestable woman, I believe I'm in love.  She has such fine eyes.  I love they way they cross just a bit - all right a lot...sometimes they spin in alternating directions, difficult to do, that...and then, of course, they bounce so delightfully while she dances...

Caroline Bingley
Who has such fine eyes, Big?  Certainly not that woman at the Rotary Assembly last evening - the one who kept lighting a match to my shoe?  'Fine eyes', indeed.  You think her attractive, do you?

Mr. Big
 No, of course not, Caroline, my pants always salute the ceiling like this.  It doesn't matter though.  I've seen her mother and if that's what she'll look like in, say, twenty years I'd rather join an all male gospel group.

Caroline Bingley
Well, that's good.  Because she's here.  Miss 'Fine Bouncy Eyes'.  With that revolting sister of hers - allow me to be more specific - the one approaching diabetic coma, the sweet one.  
Seems the moron has sneezed half her face off...


To be continued...

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