Well this was an interesting couple of days. It began yesterday morning when I cranked up the old abacus here and started to search out gossip - I mean stories - for my blog,The League of British Artists. By the way, have any of you ever wondered how Pat and I came up with that most pretentious of titles for our blog? No? Who asked you you stupid...
But I digress. Ok, so I'm at the computer and checking out a news item on, say, RICHARD ARMITAGE (as if - Richard Armitage stories are as rare as botox injections in a convent) and I suddenly see a string of nasty little pictures. I mean these were lurid, disgusting, filthy, porn shots of people. Having. Sex. Do you know how hard it is not to click one of those suckers on? I'm wandering again, aren't I?
Well, I had Pornitis of the old computer. Foo-Bah. There they were, all these strange teeney men and women humping away in miniature, ads for porn sites. Disgusting and degrading to see. Especially with the magnifying glass. Baby porn. I needed a Pornectomy. But first I had to subject my Toshiba to a Pornoscopy. Are we done with the medical terminology? I should say so! as Homer Simpson would say.
What did I do? I did what any red blooded, right thinking, patriotic American would do. I phoned India. Spoke with my buddy Sanjeet at Iyogi. Iyogi is a gift from God for me because they can fix the computer right then and there - remotely. I do nothing but answer their questions occasionally and drink coffee. And they are so polite and courteous that you wonder about them. It's hard to imagine that right outside is an elephant lunch wagon waiting for the noon bell to ring.
You know I first noticed these Porn sites attaching to me about a month ago. I checked out my numbers of hits for the day and it was four thousand, I kid you not. Well, I felt that my blog was finally achieving the status is was meant to have - I mean it isThe League of British Artists. But then I noticed that a post about Clive Owens and his wife had made it, overnight, to the number one position for number of hits. Odd, that, I thought. Nothing against Clive (who I really do like, especially in Gosford Park, one of my all time favorite movies) but he usually only gets about twenty hits per post.
When I clicked on the post a whole bunch of porn came up. Free porn, western porn, navy porn, girl on girl, boy on girl, girl on dustbuster... I took down the post, so don't bother trying to look for it.
The next time I saw it was when I was posting something to a COLIN FIRTH facebook page. I noticed a couple doing the nasty, but there were no faces involved, if you know what I mean.
So I looked.
Well, for god's sake it was a COLIN FIRTH page and the possibility, mind numbingly remote I know I know, was that it was HIM. I had to look.
Today was a stellar day for me - today I reached that infamous plateau in life referred to as 'My Limit' It has taken me sixty-two years and ten months to reach this high point in my life and I want to thank all the Little People who have helped me in my long journey. You know who you are and so do I. I have pictures.
"My Limit' was technically reached at 4:36 p.m. yesterday. It arrived tucked within an e-mail from our new PROPERTY MANAGER - the man who was going to take the heavy weight from my shoulders, hereafter referred to as THE CONDO FROM HELL. Attached to this e-mail was another e-mail from our "New Renter".
"New Renter" is upset with "New Condo", (and he was living there for all of one half of a day, must be pretty damn bad). It seems that the CONDO FROM HELL is dirty. Yes, Mems and Sahibs, he insists we clean/replace the A/C vent in the bathroom, the washer and dryer are less than perfect in appearance and he wants the bathroom painted/cleaned/gutted/torched, and on and on and on...but I digress.
He also still smells THE CAT from the previous tenant. Excuse me for a second, could someone bring me my sedation? Ah! Thank you so much, nurse. All righty then - if you haven't read about the lovely tenant we had to evict while she was pregnant, I'll just say that she left her cat with us. Apparently this cat has left his demon presence in the condo and "New Renter" would like us to replace the tile in the laundry room and kitchen. Also, he's not pleased with that screen door.
That does it for me, folks. Good night, everyone. I'm outta here.
In the past month we have removed both the carpeting AND the padding to the condo, although we were told we could cheat and just remove the carpet and NO ONE WOULD KNOW. We also had the walls and ceilings washed, and primed and painted Our property manage'sr painter said all we needed to do was paint over the filth and smoke and God knows what else that was spread over the walls.
We purchased a new dishwasher, a new garbage disposal. We had a plumber install a new faucet in the bathroom, and a shut off valve where there was none before.
We hired a professional cleaner to finish the whole thing off. But the NEW TENANT has wrinkled his nose and is pouting down by the pool/tennis court complex.
this man should be afraid - he should be very afraid
