Sex in the (Regency) City - Episode One

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Jane

'Lizzy, I believe you've had one too many CosmoRatafias!  What are you giggling at?  By the way, I love your shoes!  Are they really "Jimmy Brummell's"???'

Lizzy  

'Do you like them?  They're ugly, uncomfortable and flimsily made - I adore them!  Anyway, I am laughing because I have a scoop for my 'Sex in the Barouche' column tomorrow - I just learned that hunky Chuck Bingley, the simple minded yet gorgeous Bituminous Asphalt and Cosmetics heir, has taken Netherfield Hall for the Snipe Hunting season AND he'll be attending the assembly tonight with a companion known only as Mr. Big - no one knows his real name but it is rumored his boots are quite - huge.  (smirk)

Mary

I never could understand why you obsess so about men's boot sizes, Lizzy.  

Lizzy

I know, Mary; and, that very fact has been a concern to mums and daddums for years.  Good heavens, have you been drinking cocoa?  No?  Ah.  Here's a thought - why don't you position your fan across your upper lip.  Not so scary then, for the children you know.

Mary
Bite me.

(aaahhhh, sweet mystery of life at last I've found you)

Jane

Lizzy!  It's happened!  I have just now fallen in love with that very pretty man over there - that one - over there; he's standing beside the fellow who looks as if he's recently eaten cabbage.  I think I may be carrying his child.  The pretty one's child I mean -- not the child of the fellow who just...just spit at Charlotte Lucas! Good heavens, did he just push her face into that bowl of punch?  I'm sure he has his reasons, but really, that is most distressing behavior.  After all, I'd only had one glass....

Lydia

Quick!! Smell my underpants! La, I'm having such a good time.  Whatever is that on Mary's lip?  Looks like mold of some sort - who's turn was it to shave her today?  Never mind, she looks better with the hair - breaks up the monotony of her face - I say, where did the 82nd Airborne go off to - they promised me this dance.

Mary

Lydia, Lydia...you really are a disgusting little slut, aren't you?  You make me want to bathe.

Lydia

Thank the lord something does.  Slam your head on the piano bench once or twice would you - maybe you'll get some color in your cheeks....oooh, look - men!  Boys, wait for me....!!!

Mrs. Bennet
Jane, come quickly.  Live meat just walked in - did you see?  Chuck Bingley!!!  5,000 a year and his own Bituminous Asphalt and Cosmetic business.  He owns the - are you ready for this - Bituminous Asphalt and Limestone Leasing Syndicate!  Yes!  He owns BALLS!   And he has a mysterious companion with him - must be a BALLS SUPPORTER, quite another jock I'm sure.  Now, Lizzy, do try to look stupid for once and for heavens sake don't mention your scandalous column.  And stick out your chest a bit, or walk around leaning over like I do and point your finger in the air - that's better - OMG - here they come.  Ha!  Jane, I knew he'd sniff you out immediately, Mama's little pension plan that's what you are -

Chuck Bingley

I say...this is a bit embarassing...

Mrs. Bennet
Now don't be shy with us, Mr. Bingley.  We know perfectly well who YOU are and that you own BALLS and we know what you want and Jane is perfectly agreeable to anything you have in mind...twice.

Chuck Bingley
Well, I say -  that's splendid news...but I really came over to see if you could throw a cloth or something over the girl with the worm on her lip...she's irritating in the extreme to my friend over there.  He's even indicated that he'd like to - oh, how did he put it - beat her senseless with a small badger, I believe he said.  Anyway, could you just set her off into the corner or push her out the window...?  Well, that was quick - thanks ever so much, Mrs. Bennet!  You're deceptively strong, aren't you?  That headlock you had on your daughter was capital, simply capital.  Big hates to be irritated, you see.  And he's always irritated.

Mr. Big (calling from across the room)
Is she dead yet, Bingley?  I have a knife and I've pretty good aim, even at this range...I could take out at least two of them very easily...

Chuck Bingley
No need - problem solved, Big.   Now - I thought I'd ask the pretty one over here to dance and later I'll fall in love with her but then dump her whenever you tell me to.  I've an idea - you could dance with the smart one.

Mr. Big
bugger