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GONE WITH THE SQUIRREL

Miss Scarlett is at the Twelve Oaks barbeque, the center of attention, the party slut, flirting and having a grand old time with the men, one of whom would later play Superman in a very tacky television series. She pretends to be happy but all she wants is Ashley Wilkes. In fact, before the barbeque she and Mammy, her slave, have had a fight over this dumb, effeminate Ashley Wilkes. Mammy pulls out a knife and stabs Miss Scarlett. End of story. Just kidding.

Scarlet finally sees Ashley at the barbeque. He’s there, so obviously he’s really into her, or so she thinks, but really, it is his house and everything so where else would he be? Besides big dumb Ashley is ready to announce his engagement to his sister or cousin, I can never remember which, Miss Mellie, or Melanie, or whatever. Big dumb Melanie. Big, dumb, masculine, Melanie. They were made for each other. Mammy pulls out a knife and stabs Scarlett. Pretty soon y’all will wish that was the truth.

Well slutty Scarlett begs Ashley to run off with her but he pees in his pants and hobbles out of the room. A rumbling masculine laugh is heard from behind a sofa. Is it Miss Melanie? NO! It is the one and only Rhett Butler. Hubba hubba say Miss Scarlett’s eyes but she pretends to be royally ticked and they fight. Rhett, who is a distant cousin to Saddam Hussein, is intrigued. He also has one GINORMOUS boner.

The war starts! Hallelujjah! People are really happy and the slaves sing on the front porch. Or was that Jezebel with Bette Davis? Doesn’t matter, same heroine. Before going off to war Ashley marries Melanie and just to be perverse, Scarlett marries Charles Hamilton. Well, dearie, you know this guy’s not long for the world. I think he drops over while riding down the driveway immediately after the ceremony.

Even worse than losing her husband within five minutes of her marriage, Scarlett is forced to wear black. She thinks it makes her look fat ant that makes her want to dig poor old ugly Charles up from the grave and prop him in the front window. But she can’t do that wearing gloves so she goes to Atlanta to live with big dumb Melanie and Aunt Pittipat. Mammy follows with a gun, duct tape and a wheel barrel. Not really.

Scarlett and Rhett meet at a Rotary Meeting where people are scandalized when Scarlett and Rhett dance and he says to her she should be "kissed and often, by someone who knows how." That, or really good oral sex, has Scarlett eating chimmy chongas from Rhett’s furry upper lip. They are happy. Don’t worry, it doesn’t last.

At Christmas stupid, insipid, effeminate Ashley asks Scarlett what color she does her nails and “oh, by the way, will you take care of my woman for me, the one for which I dumped you.” Scarlett tries to grab the AK47 from Mammy and blow Ashley’s head off. But she doesn’t. Rhett takes off for Mexico without Scarlett cause she wants to go back to Tara - she has cable there - Belle Whatling, the Lady Gaga of the south, donates money for a hospital, Scarlett gets stuck in the middle of Bobby Sherman’s March to the Sea and big, dumb, Melanie has gotten herself knocked up. She avoids the cannon fire Scarlett aims at her window and a resigned and heavily drugged Scarlett remains in Atlanta to “birth the baby,” hoping against hope to sew Miss Melanie’s vagina shut.

The baby is born and now Scarlett really wants to get the hell out of town so she drags Miss Mellie out of bed, bounces her down the stairs by her hair and flags down a passing carriage. It’s Rhett! Who’d have guessed? He gets her through the carnage only to dump her in the middle of a fire and gives her one of the all time great movie kisses in history. Everyone genuflect. He still dumps her though.

Miss Scarlett gets to Tara to find out her mother is dead, her father thinks he’s Dumbledore and Tara has been turned into a housing project.

Scarlett utters one of the great lines in cinematic history. “shit.”


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