DOWNTON ABBEY PARODIES: The Glorious and The Profane

There is no one I know who loves DOWNTON ABBEY more than I do.  Of course, besides my husband, I know so few people who actually watch the show.  My Downton friends are all my friends on Facebook and Twitter.  I seem to have more in common with them.

And, as silly a person as I am, I seem to love the parodies of Downton Abbey just as much.  Here are some of the very best I've seen.  Absent is the WORST - Jimmy Kimmel's Downton Sixbey, which, surprisingly, wasn't that funny.  Also absent is the very BEST, the Saturday Night Live parody that was supposedly a commercial for Downton that played on SPIKE TV.  (who can forget the announcer and that snarky voice - "and what about those three Grantham sisters - there's hot Lady Mary... and way hot Lady Sybil, and... the other one.) That was hilarious and someday I'll add that to my collection here.  So, without further ado - DOWNTON ABBEY...

and last, but not least

THIS AND THAT THURSDAY, and Henry Cavill...

FUN ON PLANET KLYSTRON 9:  Why are 90% of Weather Girls pregnant?

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Size doesn't matter...size doesn't matter...size doesn't matter...

to Lara Pulver

Doesn't it get kind of tiresome to hear about sex ALL the time, like it's just been discovered.  "Oh boy, the writing on this show is SO modern - they said penis and shit (I don't mean literally SHIT, I just mean "AND MORE THINGS LIKE PENIS)."  I read a quote from Lara Pulver, (who is only famous because she was completely naked on 'Sherlock') now starring on a new show, DaVinci's Demons - she described the show as being "Full Of 'Sex, Violence, Religion, Philosophy..."  OOOH - never heard of those things before - all in one place like that.  Oh wait, Lara, that pretty much describes THE BIBLE.

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PRETTY MUCH JUST AN EXCUSE TO PUT PICTURES OF COLIN UP

Why did Colin Firth not have eyebrows when he was young and now he does?

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AND NOW A MOMENT WITH ST. MARTIN SCORSESE...

We purchased a new Sony 36" television set for the bedroom.  It is long and narrow, HD, PDQ, SVU, 1080Megwatts, or something like that.   It is bigger than the set we had before, that's all I know; so, can someone tell me why the picture does not fill the entire screen?  It seems that no matter what size set you buy, there is a band of black at the top and at the bottom of the screen.  It's the Martin Scorsese effect.   Martin Scorsese insists that we must have this to appreciate movies the way they were filmed, for the theater screens.   Apparently, I will miss the entire gist of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers if I don't see Brothers 1, 2, and 6 and 7 dancing their little hearts out.  Martin wants me to see those guys really, really badly.

Guess what, Marty?  I don't give a shit about those guys.  No!  You know what else I don't give a shit about.  I don't give a shit about the trees to the far right, or that lamp to the far left.  I just care about the people in the middle, and, unless there is a deviant sexual act going on somewhere to the left, I'd rather focus on the center.  I really, really don't like the narrow screen and someone should tell Martin Scorsese to stop messing with them.  Watching movies on TV now is like watching through a slot in a door, and the smaller the set, the smaller the movie becomes.  And Why?  So that I can see Auntie Eller ring the triangle for supper in Oklahoma.  And, if I expand the screen to fill the glass, I can't see the basketball scores on the top, nor can I see the stock market numbers, or the weather on the bottom.

Someone go slap Martin Scorsese for me.

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Who was the idiot that put little red pants on Superman in the first place?



  

MORE CHURCH BULLETINS, AND RICHARD ARMITAGE

Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD; Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”

Don’t miss this Saturday’s exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.

We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

A worm welcome to all who have come today.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson’s sermons.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The ushers will come forward and take our ties and offerings.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.

Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. 

Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”. Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today’s Sermon: How Much Can a Man Drink? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn: “I Love Thee My Ford.”

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Women’s Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

The Crazy Lady of Sts. Peter and Paul Church...and Colin Firth

Not Richie and me and our two dogs

Every day my husband and I take our two dogs, Darcy and Alfie, for a walk at our church.  Our church has beautiful grounds, probably four or five acres of ponds, fountains and woods - it's like a park.  People bring their dogs there to walk every day, or they ride their bikes through the grounds.  There are three buildings - one church, one activities center and one I don't know what it is building, but it's nice.  There is also a wooded private area where four retired priests live.  Our dogs love it there and if we time it right we don't meet the pastor walking his dog, a very possessive little dachshund.  The dog, not the pastor.  The caretaker has told us there are even coyotes in the small wooded area north of the priests' retirement area.  It is heaven.

Michigan Retirees - last year's Christmas celebration.

Or it was until today.  We were walking by the church, and we stopped to see what time the vigil service is this evening.  The Catholic Easter Vigil can be very long - never less than two hours - so it's usually a pretty sparse crowd.  That's the service we always attend for Easter.  I don't like Sunday mass, being pushed into a pew between one Michigan retiree and another Michigan retiree.  However, this is Florida, I have learned to adapt.

Easter Vigil

So, I went to the sign to double check the time of the vigil, then I wondered if they had the cross on the altar.   At our church in Chicago the cross was left on the altar after the Good Friday service and you could visit on Holy Saturday.  I went up to the church - I still was holding the leash of my dog, Darcy - and tried the doors.  They were locked, so I suppose they don't have the Saturday tradition here.  I turned around to see two cars at the beginning of the circular drive before the church, sitting there watching me.  Being among all these old people you see a lot of strange car maneuverings - driving on sidewalks, parking four feet from the curb... you never know.  So finally one of the cars drove by me, then the second.  I waved at the second car, like an idiot, thinking that if they were snowbirds they may need some information.  All I got was an angry head shake and they drove on.

Curious.  Rich and I continued walking the dogs, around the second building, then around the third building.  Everything was gloriously beautiful.

Coyote in disguise

That was when Harriet Hateful pulled up next to me, besides the woods with the coyotes, next to the retirement homes where the pastor and his dog Bella live.  She jumped out of her car and began screaming at me.

Actual photo of the woman taken with my cell phone.  Honest.

"I saw you walk your dog up to the church and let it pee on the ground there and people will be there for services and it will stink and that was the most disgusting thing in the world and I have never been so shocked..."  yadda yadda yadda.  I was really surprised.  I don't really think Darcy peed up by the door.  She'd peed all over the park before and if you know dogs they just keep trying to get more out to mark a territory, but I don't think she even had time to do that.  What in the hell was this woman talking about?

Why are so many people so angry all the time?  I tried to tell her that I didn't usually just walk up to the church with my dog, I was just trying the door, but she just kept on screaming.  And I mean screaming!  I said, "Don't be ridiculous.  The pastor walks his dogs here, too.  Lots of dogs walk here.  There are wild coyotes here."  When she wouldn't listen I walked away and she continued screaming at Richie - my Richie who is perhaps the kindest, gentlest man in the entire world.

The voices in my head were pretty angry

She told him it was sacrilegious to walk dogs there - it was holy ground, and that she wasn't even a Catholic and she had more respect than he did.  She is REALLY lucky I didn't hear her say a word against my husband.  I mean REALLY lucky.

He stayed calm and said, "well, if you'll just point out to me where the holy ground ends and regular grounds begin, we'll keep to that area."  That really set her off.

Well, eventually she got tired I supposed and drove off in a huff, but I can't help wonder what motivates people to judge others like that?  She doesn't know us, doesn't know my husband volunteers with a Literacy Program for the poor, or that he is a Big Brother.  She just went off.  Spoiled my afternoon completely.

I will need a lot of chocolate Easter Sunday to ever feel really whole again.

Any excuse to put a picture of Colin up.

Happy Easter

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hlls and Gerard Butler

I have to talk about my favorite show, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills!  These are my girls, god love them and tonight was the last episode - always a trying time for me.  Let me get a carton of wine first.

Ok.  Again, who is Faye Resnick?  Does anyone know?  Is there a grotesque, aging portrait in her attic because she looks exactly the same now as she did seventy-five years ago during the OJ trial.  That's just not human.  She materialized - again - in tonight's episode, following Brandi Glanville around - again - and talking like a deranged person - again.  "You are no lady.  You cause trouble.  You are vicious.  Klaatu barada nikto."    All in this monotone voice that sounds like she should be announcing train schedules.   Very creepy.  She's like a Disney mannequin gone to the dark side, and SHE DOESN'T BLINK.  I don't think she's real - I believe she's a digital creation like Shrek.   My biggest fear is that Bravo has been trying her out for Season 4 - they need housewives since they're down one with Adrienne Maloof getting sacked (thank the lord).

Aside to Bravo Station- DON'T DO IT!  NO ONE WANTS HER!

I have an idea.  Bring back new bachelor Paul Nassif.  That would be fun - Paul was a hoot.  Maybe fix him up with Brandi next year - or Kim.  I'd pay the see that.  Or have Andy Cohen be the next housewife!  This series desperately needs a gay couple - just to show the other women how to dress.

Well, this Faye object starts to diss, in that god-awful monotone voice, her hostess, Lisa.  The thing is, it was at Lisa's house and at Lisa's party!  Who does this kind of thing? Was she raised by wolves or something?  And why didn't Lisa toss her out on her big fat rubber ass?  Faye is a Transformer and will one day unfold into something huge and metallic.  Oh, wait.  She already has.  Never mind.

Then who shows up to try and grasp a final few minutes of fame - Adrienne Maloof (Paul's now ex-wife)!  That woman has a set, doesn't she?  She arrives with a bad wig on, sobbing her heart out while facing the camera about how she is losing her kids or something in the divorce.  I couldn't understand a word, really.   And she didn't bother to find Lisa, just bitched in her talking head segment that Lisa should have come and found her - she was too distraught to go into the party.  Who goes to someone's house especially to (one) rob the spotlight from the couple whose party you just crashed; and, (two) be in front of cameras when your life is falling apart?  Very strange people.

Then there was Taylor Armstrong...being Taylor Armstrong.

And Yolanda Foster, here with her creepy husband, Paul I think is his name.  He writes songs that he won't let anyone sing without his prior approval.   Finally starting to like Yolanda - hope she returns and starts to drink a little.

We had the obligatory Kyle vs. Kim smack down.  Kyle is upset that Brandi 'hurt' Adrienne (BTW, the big secret that started all the fuss this season was that Adrienne had her twins through surrogacy), but can't understand why her sister is 'hurt' that Kyle isn't upset about when Brandi 'hurt' Kim  (BTW Brandi 'hurt' Kim by saying she was an addict.  Kim has since survived rehab).

I hate this part of the show.  It is so sad to see Kim desperately try to get her sister Kyle to give a shit about her.  I know how she feels with some of my relatives. VERY glad I have a brother.

Then there was an obviously scripted bit in Lisa's bedroom with Brandi coming in to tell Lisa to man up and not let the crazies (read Faye and Kyle) get her down.  I mean, really, Lisa - Ken is a doll and you were going to disappoint him because of the twin Krakens, Kyle and Faye?  Not for a minute did I believe that.   Well,  Lisa teared up and Brandi teared up and I teared up. I loved it.

Except for the hokey heart shaped flower thing Ken and Lisa stood in front of for their vow renewal.  (Amazing that women with SO much money have no taste whatsoever!)

The 30 year vow renewal was very moving, had me actually crying and even my husband was sniffling.  I really like Lisa's husband Ken, and I like their British humor and the fact that they were both so stiff upper lip there in front of everyone, said their vows and then shoved cake in each other's face.  Just like a normal couple.

Of course, the very best thing this season, as in all previous seasons, is Lisa's dog, Jiggy (he's always in Ken's arms - love a guy who loves dogs).  I want that dog.  And what about Gerard Butler!!!  Finally acknowledging that he had sex with Brandi in a random hook-up at a beach party when she was lost and vulnerable and freshly hurting from losing her husband to that tramp Leanne Rymes.  Now that Brandi is getting famous - Gerard remembers her!  God bless him.  He even admits know that he knows Jiggy!

Can't wait till next season.  Coming up - THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY.

This and That Monday...MEN IN KILTS (50 Shades of Plaid)...TV SHORTHAND... COLIN FIRTH IS INTERVIEWED BY BRIDGET JONES

MEN IN KILTS, or WHY I LOVED CHICAGO, THE WINDY CITY
(especially when kilts were involved)

Sean Connery

Gerard Butler

Alan Rickman

don't know don't care

Richard Armitage

Ewan McGregor

Alan Cummings

Tom Hiddleston

Billy Connolly

Liam Neeson

David Tennant

Fifty Shades of Plaid

St. Patrick's Day in Chicago

Keifer Sutherland and MR BIG

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RANDOM TELEVISION THOUGHTS

1.  If a child is kidnapped within a story on a TV show, don't ever worry.  They never get killed or molested, and they are always returned at the end.

2.  If you see a cross, more specifically a crucifix, on the wall of a bedroom, they are a Spanish or Mexican family.  If you see a cross or a crucifix in the living room, they are bigots, serial killers or insane.  A cross has become Television shorthand for the mentally unbalanced, or Latinos.

3.  A woman in a television show will NEVER get an abortion.  The liberal Hollywood script writer (I am a bleeding heart liberal myself so don't start screaming at me) will make certain that everyone is told it is a woman's right to have an abortion, it is her body, 

yada yada yada

but they never actually write an abortion into the script.  Which is fine with me, I don't want to see someone get an abortion either.

4.  Movies on cable are now much better than movies in the theater.

5.  The best friend of the frightened woman is always guilty of having an affair with the woman's husband, or she lusts after him.

6.  When the camera sneaks up behind someone's head they are going to be attacked - get prepared to scream.

7.  Only an idiot would go into the dark basement, or walk up into a dark hallway, when a light suddenly goes out.  And yet they do.

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Sandra Faith

Photoshopping, celebrities and Richard Armitage

There is nothing I enjoy better (well almost) than seeing what people look like before their publicity pictures are airbrushed to perfection.  It's a definite 'in your face moment' to see cellulite on Britney Speers or bags under Faith Hills' eyes.

She has Tim McGraw, she doesn't need to look gorgeous too.  Life doesn't work that way.  Ok, damn woman still looks gorgeous. And she's nice too.  Now I feel bad...not...

Kim Kardashian.  Slimmed down tummy and they did something with the right top leg - took away some of that scraggly top she's wearing, slimmed down her thigh.  Damn woman still looks gorgeous.  Let's find some really creepy ones....

Perfect for the creep factor - Madonna.  She always was creepy.  Unbelievable how the years just slip away with these photos, isn't it?  I love to show these to my husband when he tells me Joan Collins still looks good.  Bah!  She's preserved that's all.

Keira Knightley is perfection but was made even more perfectioner with the enhancement of her bust in the photo on the right.  Yowza, but couldn't I have used that in my twenties!  Other than the bosoms they just added a burning village and more hair.  I doubt if the bust thing was Keira's idea either - she seems pretty damn fine with the way she looks.

The art of Reverse Airbrushing never did take off with celebrities.  Here is a pretend picture of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt taken at last year's bowling banquet.  Angie won 'best hair'.  I love her Imelda Marcos shoulder pads too.

I pick on poor Angelina a lot due solely to jealousy.  She's such a lovely, delicate, refined woman...

...oops, did it again

Cameron Diaz is another star that never seems to age, is always lovely.  That's why is does a woman's heart good to see that some touch ups were needed on her picture too.

She's got a scary kind of thing going on with her right hip.  Listen I will point out any blemish I can with some of these woman!

Ok, Kim Cattrall is so air-brushed on the right as to be unrecognizable.  I thought it was a picture of Natasha Richardson at first.  I'm stlll not certain its not a photo from thirty years ago with those earrings and all...

Here we go - Britney Speers.  If I could slim down my legs like this I would be walking on my hands.  

It just goes to show that not only can't you believe everything you read, you can't believe everything you see!  

Now for the men...

I like George Clooney's grey hair, but the movie going market is younger I guess.  He's been prettied up (as if) on the left.  Either picture works for me.

Here's a famous one.  Time made O. J. Simpson darker for their cover.  This is a sad example of media manipulation.  Or maybe Newsweek made him lighter colored?  I don't remember any more.

This I don't understand at all - which is the photoshopped one?  I'm guessing it's on the right because the beard looks ridiculous.  Is he adjusting a wig?  The body hair looks real though on the right, doesn't it?  I'll just have to keep studying this for a while...

And now, the Academy Award for Best Photoshopped Picture Ever, Anywhere, Anytime - and the winner is....

NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL PHOTOSHOPPING!!!!