10 things you should always say to an author...and RICHARD ARMITAGE

I just read a funny article - 10 things writers are tired of hearing and it inspired me to write my own list of things we 'writers' love to hear...

1.  I think I'll write a book too.   I have vacation in a couple of weeks.

2.  I found a lot of typos.  Didn't you proofread?

3.  How much money did you make with the book?

4.  What's the story about?  Oh.  Uh-huh.  What?

5.  Are you going to write another one?  Really?  Why?

6.  I don't like to read.  I'll wait till the movie comes out - haha

7.  I don't like books with a lot of sex in them.

8.  I don't like books without a lot of sex in them.

9.  It's a crime story?  I am so sick of crime stories...but I'm sure your's is very good.

10.  It's a romance?  I am so sick of romance stories...but I'm sure your's is very good.

11.  It's a mystery?  (read #9 and #10)

"The New York Times Book Reviewers issue a restraining order.  More print at eleven"

12.  Why don't you get it reviewed in the New York Times?

"Oprah issues restraining order.  Film at eleven"

13.  Why don't you get Oprah to feature it?

14.  What's taking you so long with your next book?  Just sit down and write - how hard can it be?






And now......Richard Armitage!!!



Mr. Thornton's Voice

Richard Armitage reads from "North and South" the wonderful book written by one of my favorites, Elizabeth Gaskell

"Paraprosdokian's" and no, those aren't second cousins of the Kardashian's...and Richard Armitage

From Arrested Downton 

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech  in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. 

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way.  So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.  

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.  

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said "Implants?"  

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.  

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won ' t expect it  back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.  

Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.  

I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a large shot of gin.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Brigade usually uses water.

You ' re never too old to learn something stupid.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?  

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put  'DOCTOR'.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (ever been to Wal Mart)

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

 

This and That Friday...and Colin Firth

- Four Retirees Visit A Bar -

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona.  They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you!

What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.  They can't believe their good luck.  They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.  They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place.  Every drink costs a dime.  Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow!  That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida.  They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons..."

(You have to be a Floridian to understand this on a deeper level.  Or senile.  Oops, same thing)

And now for my Happy Time Video of the Day - It will make you smile....



THEGLITZIEGIRL1

Our bad boy - our Alfie (and Richard Armitage)

He is known by many names.
Alfred...  Alfie...  Fredo the stupid older brother of Michael Corleone...  That Damn Dog...  The Polish Prince...  

My Darling Boy.

I don't know what to do with him.  Tonight he pushed his way under the chain link fence around our yard and was running up and down outside the length of the fence, having the time of his life.  Now what do we do?  I can't let him out in the yard on his own anymore; what if he bites someone?  I don't think he'd ever do that but who knows when a dog is frightened, what they might do?  And he looks so ferocious too.

He has separation anxiety when we leave...so we don't leave the house anymore.  Every time we do he eats something.  He's eaten a chair cushion, the vertical blinds, my cell phone, a book, three shavers and one shoe.

And yet...he is the most needy dog I've ever had.  He's hungry for affection all the time, drops everything when you yell at him, sits politely and looks up at you with those eyes of his!

And he loves our older dog, Darcy.  He idolizes her.

We thought he was a Pit Bull mix, but now we aren't certain.  He's such a wuss, how could he be Pit Bull too?  And he's so lovable.  And clumsy.  You don't know true fear until you see an 80 pound dog running at you full speed, with love in his eyes.  Yikes.

Oh, well.  He's here to stay.  No matter how angry my husband gets with him, I insist "If he goes, I go."  (interesting aside, you have to be really secure to say something like that, I wouldn't recommend it for most wives.)

Royal Baby still within Royal Enclosure - film at eleven...and Richard Armitage

"Ye Olde Royal Ultrasound"

Despite the wishes of an entire nation, nay, the entire world, the future monarch of the United Kingdom remained barricaded today within the Royal Womb.  A source close to Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge and candidate for both "Most Patient Woman in the World" and "Nicest Hair" reported that Mrs. Windsor was last seen jumping from ladders and running around her back yard.  Castor oil has also been administered, along with around the clock sex with her willing to help husband. 

When approached, a loud, disagreeable, "no comment' was shouted by the fetus through her navel.

There is some evidence that the future royal may be investigating other means of escape, in which case the above posters have been distributed, showing what the child will look like through the coming years...especially since he/she may well be into their middle years before this whole thing is over.

When asked to have a word with the child, the Queen reacted.

What could be the true reason for the Royal Reluctance?  

Inside sources reveal The Royal Baby is gripping the walls of the Royal Womb.  Could this be some diabolical plan by the child, remaining encased long enough to break the Guinness Book of World Records set by a distant relative, Richard the II, who remained buried in secret for 528 years?

Who can say?

And now your daily moment of Zen with Richard Armitage

I'M NOT GOING OUT THERE!

THIS AND THAT THURSDAY, and Richard Armitage!!!

Something truly awful happened to me the other day, something that shook my dentures, tested my depends.  The twelve year old pharmacist at our local Walgreens handed me my 'bag o'pills', smiled, and said.  "Here you are sweetheart.  Have a nice day."

Bitch.  

I wanted to slap her.  It's not enough that NO ONE allows me to insist on the senior coffee charge - they just automatically give it to me; or, that I am asked if I need help getting groceries to my car!  No, now I am being subjected to the demeaning sweetie and dear heart words.  

At least no one is shouting at me, thinking I can't hear them. What?

I don't think they are anyway. 

~~~~~~~~

WAITIE KATIE

Still, this poor girl has to wait!  

She had to wait for William to get the gumption up to propose and now the Royal tadpole is gripping onto her insides, refusing to leave.  I pray she has an easy time of it, somehow, IF that time EVER comes.  She's passed her due date by about three months or so, I think.  Don't quote me on that.  

I hate pain.  

I've never given birth, thanks be to God.  I believe I would have made a terrible mother, anyhow; my dogs are brats...could my offspring be any better.  

I say no.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~

FLORIDA

God's Waiting Room

Rain today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, repeat as necessary...

~~~~~~~~~

How many of these people can you name?  

I can name two - Zach Gargonzola and Jason Bateman.  The others, I haven't a clue.  Evidently they have Emmy nods.  I don't know for certain since I haven't looked at the list, except for Downton Abbey and Benedict Cumberbatch.  

The charm of Louis CK continues to evade me.  

I wish James Gandolfini were in here somewhere.  

Don't like Nurse Jackie from watching one episode - tell me I'm not judgmental.  

Claire Danes?  Again?  Please stop.

And the nominees are:

LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES:
Hugh Bonneville, Downton Abbey, PBS
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad, AMC
Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom, HBO
Jon Hamm, Mad Men, AMC
Damian Lewis, Homeland, Showtime
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards, Netflix

LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES:
Connie Britton, Nashville, ABC
Claire Danes, Homeland, Showtime
Michelle Dockery, Downton Abbey, PBS
Vera Farmiga, Bates Motel, A&E
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men, AMC
Kerry Washington, Scandal, ABC
Robin Wright, House of Cards, Netflix

COMEDY SERIES:
The Big Bang Theory, CBS
Girls, HBO
Louie, FX
Modern Family, ABC
30 Rock, NBC
Veep, HBO

LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES:
Jason Bateman, Arrested Development, Netflix
Louis C.K., Louie, FX
Don Cheadle, House of Lies, Showtime
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes, Showtime
Jim Parsons, Big Bang Theory, CBS
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock, NBC

LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES:
Lena Dunham, Girls, HBO
Laura Dern, Enlightened, HBO
Tiny Fey, 30 Rock, NBC
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation, NBC
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep, HBO
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie, Showtime

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES:
Adam Driver, Girls, HBO
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family, ABC
Ed O'Neill, Modern Family, ABC
Ty Burrell, Modern Family, ABC
Bill Hader, Saturday Night Live, NBC
Tony Hale, Veep, HBO

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES:
Mayim Bialik, The Big Bang Theory, CBS
Jane Lynch, Glee, Fox
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family, ABC
Julie Bowen, Modern Family, ABC
Merritt Wever, Nurse Jackie, Showtime
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock, NBC
Anna Chlumsky, Veep, HBO

DRAMA SERIES:
Breaking Bad, AMC
Downton Abbey, PBS
Homeland, Showtime
Game of Thrones, HBO
House of Cards, Netflix
Mad Men, AMC

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES:
Bobby Cannavale, Boardwalk Empire, HBO
Jonathan Banks, Breaking Bad, AMC
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad, AMC
Jim Carter, Downton Abbey, PBS
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones, HBO
Mandy Patinkin, Homeland, Showtime

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES:
Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad, AMC
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey, PBS
Emilia Clarke, Game of Thrones, HBO
Christine Baranski, The Good Wife, CBS
Morena Baccarin, Homeland, Showtime
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men, AMC

LEAD ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE:
Michael Douglas, Behind The Candelabra, HBO
Matt Damon, Behind The Candelabra, HBO
Toby Jones, The Girl, HBO
Benedict Cumberbatch, Parade's End, HBO
Al Pacino, Phil Spector, HBO

LEAD ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE:
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story, FX
Laura Linney, The Big C: Hereafter, Showtime
Helen Mirren, Phil Spector, HBO
Sigourney Weaver, Political Animals, USA
Elisabeth Moss, Top of the Lake, Sundance Channel

MINISERIES OR MOVIE:
American Horror Story: Asylum, FX
Behind the Candelabra, HBO
Phil Spector, HBO
Political Animals, USA
The Bible, History
Top of the Lake, Sundance Channel

HOST FOR A REALITY OR REALITY-COMPETITION PROGRAM:
Ryan Seacrest, American Idol, Fox
Betty White, Betty White's Off Their Rockers, NBC
Tom Bergeron, Dancing With the Stars, ABC
Heidi Klum, Tim Gunn, Project Runway, Bravo
Cat Deeley, So You Think You Can Dance, Fox
Anthony Bourdain, The Taste, ABC

REALITY-COMPETITION PROGRAM:
The Amazing Race, CBS
Dancing With the Stars, ABC
Project Runway, Lifetime
So You Think You Can Dance, Fox
Top Chef, Bravo
The Voice, NBC

VARIETY SERIES:
The Colbert Report, Comedy Central
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, Comedy Central
Jimmy Kimmel Live, ABC
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, NBC
Real Time With Bill Maher, HBO
Saturday Night Live, NBC

WRITING FOR A VARIETY SERIES:
The Colbert Report, Comedy Central
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, Comedy Central
Jimmy Kimmel Live, ABC
Portlandia, IFC
Real Time With Bill Maher, HBO
Saturday Night Live, NBC

GUEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES:
Margo Martindale, The Americans, FX
Diana Rigg, Game of Thrones, HBO
Carrie Preston, The Good Wife, CBS
Linda Cardellini, Mad Men, AMC
Jane Fonda, The Newsroom, HBO
Joan Cusack, Shameless, Showtime

GUEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES:
Nathan Lane, The Good Wife, CBS
Michael J. Fox, The Good Wife, CBS
Rupert Friend, Homeland, Showtime
Robert Morse, Mad Men, AMC
Harry Hamlin, Mad Men, AMC
Dan Bucatinsky, Scandal, ABC

WRITING FOR A DRAMA SERIES:
Breaking Bad ("Dead Freight"), AMC
Breaking Bad ("Say My Name"), AMC
Downton Abbey, PBS
Game of Thrones, HBO
Homeland, Showtime

DIRECTING FOR A DRAMA SERIES:
Boardwalk Empire, HBO
Breaking Bad, AMC
Downton Abbey, PBS
Homeland, Showtime
House of Cards, Netflix

GUEST ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES:
Bob Newhart, The Big Bang Theory, CBS
Nathan Lane, Modern Family, ABC
Bobby Cannavale, Nurse Jackie, Showtime
Louis C.K., Saturday Night Live, NBC
Justin Timberlake, Saturday Night Live, NBC
Will Forte, 30 Rock, NBC

GUEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES:
Molly Shannon, Enlightened, HBO
Dot-Marie Jones, Glee, Fox
Melissa Leo, Louie, FX
Melissa McCarthy, Saturday Night Live, NBC
Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live, NBC
Elaine Stritch, 30 Rock, NBC

WRITING FOR COMEDY SERIES:
Episodes, Showtime
Louie, FX
The Office, NBC
30 Rock ("Hogcock!"), NBC
30 Rock ("Last Lunch"), NBC

DIRECTING FOR COMEDY SERIES:
Girls, HBO
Glee, Fox
Louie, FX
Modern Family, ABC
30 Rock, NBC

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN MINISERIES OR MOVIE:
James Cromwell, American Horror Story: Asylum, FX
Zachary Quinto, American Horror Story: Asylum, FX
Scott Bakula, Behind The Candelabra, HBO
John Benjamin Hickey, The Big C: Hereafter, Showtime
Peter Mullan, Top of the Lake, Sundance Channel

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN MINISERIES OR MOVIE:
Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Asylum, FX
Imelda Staunton, The Girl, HBO
Charlotte Rampling, Restless, Sundance Channel
Alfre Woodard, Steel Magnolias, Lifetime

OUTSTANDING VARIETY SPECIAL:
The Kennedy Center Honors, CBS
Louis C.K.: Oh My God, HBO
Mel Brooks Strikes Back! With Mel Brooks And Alan Yentob, HBO
Saturday Night Live: Weekend Update Thursday (Part One), NBC
12-12-12: The Concert For Sandy Relief

~~~~~~~~~

Now, if you are still looking at this you are a true Richard Armitage...er.
So, Enjoy!

Love Game Guy of Gisborne!

PRINCIPESSA55

WE ARE FLYING TO EUROPE IN NOVEMBER - I DO NOT FIND THIS HUMOR APPROPRIATE... AND RICHARD ARMITAGE

After every flight, QANTAS pilots fill out a form, known as a 'gripe sheet' to tell mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problem, and then document their repairs on the form. 

Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by the pilots (marked with a 'P') and the solutions recorded (marked by an 'S') by maintenance engineers, who by the way have a sense of humour:

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. 
S: Left inside main tyre almost replaced. 

P: Test flight OK, auto-land very rough. 
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. 

P: Something loose in cockpit. 
S: Something tightened in cockpit. 

P: Dead bugs on windshield. 
S: Live bugs on back order. 

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. 
S: Can't reproduce problem on the ground. 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 
S: Evidence removed. 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. 
S: DME volume set to more believable level. 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
S: That's what friction locks are for. 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. 
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. 

P: Suspect crack in windshield. 
S: Suspect you're right. 

P: Number 3 engine missing. 
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. 

P: Aircraft handles funny. 
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. 

P: Target radar hums. 
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. 

P: Mouse in cockpit. 
S: Cat installed in cockpit. 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. 
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Buh-bye