SPOOK-A-LICIOUS BLOG HOP TOUR - Pride and Prejudice Style

(CLICK ON THE TITLE OF THIS POST TO SEE THE ENTIRE TOUR, or
CLICK ON THE SPOOKY PICTURE ON THE RIGHT)

Karen V. Wasylowski

SPOOK-A-LICIOUS:

WHERE BOO-KS DEVOUR YOU

BLOG HOP TOUR (OCT 17-24)

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Leave a comment here to win a signed copy of my book,

"Darcy and Fitzwilliam"

selected by the

Orange County Calif. 'Register' as a

Great Summer Read!!

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Now
AS THE JANE AUSTEN WORLD TURNS
Episode 10,733

Pride and Prejudice and
Dancing with the Vampires

(Starring "Darcy and Fitzwilliam")


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 When we last saw the iconic Mr. Darcy, he had returned from a Home Depot Wall Treatment Seminar to find his beautiful home, Pemberley, had been turned into a Regency Era

version of the Munsters, transformed by his ward and one-time trusted sidekick,

Charles Bingley.

In fact, all of Meryton has been turned into a sort of

Vampire Time Share. The only person not infected is our hero,

Mr. Darcy!!!

or so he believes.  There is one other person (all right, maybe six) not infected.

Colonel Fitzwilliam!!!

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Our story continues, one week later, on Halloween

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Mrs. Reynolds:  Mr. Darcy, there are more undead banging on the door.  Shall I send Henry out with Bridget Jones II?

Mr. Darcy:  Oh, I see no need to be that cruel, Mrs. Reynolds.  I think torching them should be sufficient.

Mrs. Reynolds:  Very good, sir.  By the way, Colonel Fitzwilliam has only just arrived, all the way from Belgium and Waterloo...or was it Dorset and the Dinosaur Museum?

Mr. Darcy: Excellent.  I need Fitz, a statement I rarely can make without laughter.  He can go with me to the Meryton Public Rooms and help me destroy the head Vampire - George Wickham.  There is a public ball tonight and I shall need all the non vampires I can summon.  Since he just returned to town I doubt he could be a vampire yet. 

*

Mrs. Reynolds:  No, I believe he's Church of England.

*

Mr. Darcy:  Excellent.  There may be dancing.

Colonel Fitzwilliam (just entering the room):  Not on your life, Darcy.  You never let me lead.

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It is hours later and Darcy and Fitzwilliam are standing outside, on the lawns of the Meryton Public Rooms.   Creatures of the night are flying by, possessed bodies are digging themselves up from their graves, zombies are tearing at human flesh, there are screams, blood curdling cries and blood everywhere. 

Think Walmart the day after Thanksgiving.

Mr. Darcy:  Did you bring everything?

Colonel Fitzwilliam:  What do you mean, did I bring everything?  Who put you in charge?

Mr. Darcy:  I am the designated Vampire slayer for the Peaks District, or hadn't you read the flyer yet..  I have had all the required training and I have a whistle.

Colonel Fitzwilliam:  Sounds a bit like Baywatch

Mr. Darcy:  Fitzwilliam!

Colonel Fitzwilliam:  All right, all right!  Don't get your knickers in a twist, Shirley.  Oh bloody hell, now you've made me forget, what was I to bring again?

*

Mr. Darcy (sighing):  A Wooden Stake, A Large Wooden Hammer, A Crucifix, A String of Garlic, A Change of Underwear, Wolfbane...

**

Colonel Fitzwilliam:  Wolfbane?  I that that was to repel sheep...or was it to repel Reverend Collins?

Mr. Darcy:  I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.   All right, I believe we are finally ready -  time to don your String of Garlic.
*

*

Colonel Fitzwilliam:  No, no, no. no. You must be mad.  What woman would dance with me if I was wearing that smelly thing?

*

Mr. Darcy:  None, but now they would have an excuse.

*

Colonel Fitzwilliam:  Very funny, brat.   What are we supposed to do when we get into this bat soiree anyway.  How will we know which of these toaddies to speak with?
*

Mr. Darcy:  Well, we won't actually speak with them, I may have misled you a bit with that.

*

Colonel Fitzwilliam:  Wouldn't be the first time either.  All right, give me the boring run down for each item.  What do I do with my Wooden Stake?
*

*
Mr. Darcy:  Quite simple - I've even included some written instructions.  You position your Wooden Stake, point downward, directly above the Vampire's heart and then drive it into the subject's chest with your Wooden Mallet, as deep as it will go, pound, pound, pound, until blood squishes and guts and ribs...

*

*

Colonel Fitzwilliam:  DARCY!  ARE YOU INSANE?11!

*
Mr. Darcy:  What?

*
Colonel Fitzwilliam:  I've just gotten my uniform cleaned.  You drive your Wooden Stake into the bodies.  I'll be romancing the ladies.

*****

*

Inside the Dancing with the Vampires ball Darcy and Fitzwilliam stroll through the crowd liesurely, attempting to appear as Un-Dead as the rest.

*

Mr. Darcy:  You needn't have worn a costume, Fitz.

*

*

Fitzwilliam:  How rude.  What costume?

*

Mr. Darcy:  You've been watching too much porn again.  Very well, Fitz.  I see Wickham coming over here with Bingley.  Do you have your Vampire kit?  Fitz?

*

*

Fitzwilliam:  I like this music it has a nice beat.  Hello, Ladies.

*

Mr. Darcy:  Fitzwilliam?  Are you listening to me?  Get your stake and have your hammer at the ready.  I'll meet Wickham and Bingley at the bar and lead them to you.  Fitzwilliam?

*

*

Fitzwilliam:  Later Darcy - why don't you relax a bit, I see some old friends.  Will you excuse me one moment?  Ladies, I'll let you gnaw on my neck if you let me gnaw on yours.

*

Mr. Darcy:  You can't be a Vampire already, it doesn't work like that.

*

Fitzwilliam:  It does if you volunteer.

********

*

Mr. Darcy:  Well, that is so typical.  I suspect I'm on my own again.  Here come Bingley and Wickham.  Hello, George, Charles.

*

Mr. Wickham:  Hello Darcy.  Want a bite?  Vampire humor - not very good.  So is that a stake in your hand or are you happy to see me?

*

*

Mr. Darcy:  'Fraid it's a stake, old boy.  Would you mind unbuttoning your shirt and baring your heart to me.  This should only take a moment.

*

Mr. Wickham:  I've a much better idea, Darcy.  Join us.  We have life eternal, days off, an excellent food supply and we have dental.

*

Mr. Darcy:  Works for me.

Next up, Randi Alexander
http://randialexander.com/

I hope you have enjoyed Dancing with the Vampires starring:

"Darcy and Fitzwilliam"

on sale everywhere, including e-books, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Books a Million - even the DePaul University Bookstore for some reason.

"Darcy and Fitzwilliam" is actually non-vampire, but very funny and kind of poignant too.  It is a continuation of Jane Austen's

Pride and Prejudice...

A sort of Regency Era Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
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